Sometime Insomniac

Same old scenery

2011-11-27T21:00:00.000-02:00

I just re-read one of my posts from 2005. I'm in the same spot now that I was then. It's frustrating to feel like I haven't gotten anywhere.

But screw that. I also get tired of my own expectations about how the path of life is supposed to look or go. So I'm learning the same things, making the same mistakes - OK, big deal. Apparently these lessons are hard ones for me to learn. It doesn't make me worse of a person to have trouble learning something.

It's important for me to make statements like that last one because they are so different from what I go around believing in my heart. I have big issues with not ever wanting to feel stupid. It's just not something I allow to be part of my identity. Or, I could say, it's a threat to a large part of my identity that is founded on my brainpower.

It's exhausting trying to keep up an identity. Christianity as I've heard it teaches that personal identity is found in Jesus and nothing else. That's a really hard belief to capture in my life.

Submerged

2011-11-27T20:47:00.000-02:00

I'm underwater. I blink to get a better view, but everything stays murky. I sink down into darker depths and the cold darkness lulls me... I'm just numb down here.

There's a danger that comes with this territory, and I'm only floating just above it. But my slow drift remains all lateral without any pushes toward the surface. Light doesn't seem to penetrate these depths. I close my eyes. The water moves by me, it mutes any other sounds and makes everything feel heavier and slower. Heavier and slower. My arms and legs just float.

I imagine the blues and dark greens that surround me. I think of dark, inky water with huge squids swimming by slowly. Seaweed brushes my arm, but I don't move or look to see it. I lay my head down on a rock, but I never sleep. And I never breathe because there's not any air here. So my eyes stay shut and I just float.

I'm alone in a dark seamless world of water. I'm not swimming; I'm just there. I can't imagine resurfacing. I can only imagine staying submerged. Where everything is heavy and slow.

This is why I won't join your family for Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T20:16:00.000-02:00

I'll be alone on Thanksgiving tomorrow. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself so pity from others only makes that more difficult. Feeling pitiful and feeling sad are different things though. It's the sadness part that I'll allow rather than the pity.

So I'll be sad while I'm alone tomorrow. And that's OK. Do you hear me? It's OK for me to be sad tomorrow that I won't spend a holiday with my family. I think it's appropriate to feel sad about it. I want to feel sad about it.

Someone said to me recently, "I want to make sure you're happy on Thanksgiving." The friend who said it is wonderful and lovely and someone I dearly love and I know that she was being caring and thoughtful to express something like that.

But still: being happy on Thanksgiving this year? To me, that's bullshit.

Why? you may ask. Because I believe Thanksgiving is a time for thankfulness and family gatherings and sharing food and making happy memories with people you love. If I show up to another family's gathering as a random individual that just makes no sense to me. I'll feel displaced and awkward. Members of that family (not all of them, but at least one or two) will feel awkward and put upon to try to feel comfortable in the situation. And I don't want any of that. I don't want to experience it, and I don't want to be the cause of it.

But why do you want to be sad on a holiday? you may ask. Because that's the logical alternative to me. I don't have a happy, secure, cozy family group or space to go to tomorrow, and I don't want to fake it somewhere with people. Instead I choose solitude, and I expect it will be sad.

"Happiness [is] only real when shared." That's my favorite line from the movie Into the Wild. The main character has spent an inordinate amount of time in solitude, and he writes that in his journal as it's becoming clearer that he will probably die alone in the Alaskan wilderness. That line speaks so much about the importance of community and kinship with other people so we can share the joyful feeling of being happy.

For tomorrow, I realize that I'm making up rules here because some people could go and enjoy a holiday with a group of people they don't know as family without feeling awkward. So I do know that this is a choice I'm making. And it's based on what I'm willing to do or not do, what I'm comfortable with and not comfortable with.

The linchpin of it all for me is the last word of that movie quote: shared. To share means give and take. I'm not willing to play give and take on a holiday with strangers or acquaintances. I'm too closed off for that.

I imagine the innocently asked questions...

Where is your family from? Are they far?

Do you usually travel for the holiday?

Do you have brothers and sisters?

I generally don't want to answer any of these questions with people who don't know me. But I especially don't want to answer them around a table of sweet, generous people who have opened their home to me on a holiday. Because my answers fly in the face of what I want their Thanksgiving conversation to be about.

My mom is in Georgia, and my dad is in Florida... They divorced this year.

I haven't gone home for Thanksgiving in a few years.

I grew up with a brother, but he passed away a couple of years ago... He was young - he took his own life.

The "..." is where a follow-up question could come along. Or where I volunteer information - never very sure if I should or not.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like a blight on the otherwise sunny hope of an enjoyable holiday. It makes me sad. But it's my reality. One that I'd prefer to keep to myself and not foist on others. Because I truly wish a happy Thanksgiving for everyone else even knowing mine will be sad.

Thoughts and such

2011-10-21T01:37:00.000-02:00

I've been thinking of story ideas lately. Sometimes just bits of actual stories that would apparently be in progress already - like a line or two of dialogue and an idea of who those characters would be and what they'd be doing. Basically, if I was pondering the construction of a building, then I'm imagining the cornices and trim work and maybe a wall color here and there. But so much of the structure remains unknown to my imagination. Still it's nice to have bits of story ideas pop into my head. I feel like I could turn into a writer yet. We'll see.

I've also been thinking a lot about myself. In good and bad ways. OK, mostly in bad ways. I've been having a very lively and rambunctious pity party in my head for me, me, ME. And it's gone on for the better part of two weeks. I'm not proud to admit any of this, but it's true. And the last couple of weeks has been pretty difficult. I wouldn't say the difficulty is because of my pity party, but it has certainly been compounded by it. Thankfully, the "party" seems to be winding down now.

I'm excited by new things I'm learning at work lately. I'm afraid of the next couple of months with the onslaught of holidays. I have too many things on my to-do list and not enough do-stuff motivation to get anything done. This post has not been very thought-out or organized, I don't think. Just a lot of jumbled stuff that I let come tumbling out.

And I'm done.

Beauty is a Beast?

2011-09-17T12:50:00.000-02:00

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." (Margaret Wolfe Hungerford, Molly Bawn, 1878)

"Beauty, like supreme dominion, is but supported by opinion." (Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, 1741)

All of these pieces of wisdom point to a basic idea about the nature of beauty. I think the scripture from Proverbs say it best: beauty is fleeting. That's the NIV, but other translations give a similar version: beauty is vain (ESV & KJV).

Fleeting, vain, based on opinion - on its own, beauty is insubstantial. I don't think you can give it lasting form or structure. But that's exactly what we try to do in our society. We give beauty measurements and features and a list of "do"s and "don't"s. We construct it and then we place very high value on it.

Couldn't that be the very definition of an idol? Something you construct, then place very high value on it so that you can worship it?

And the kicker to me is: beauty is based on opinion.

So what happens is an idol of beauty is constructed and then converts begin to adhere to that opinion of beauty as an absolute one. But over time we can even see that the opinion, the standard of beauty, changes. What was thought to be beautiful in the 1800s is different than beauty in the 1950s which is, of course, different than today.

All of this came up in my mind because how I feel about my body and my appearance changes. Sometimes I feel too heavy/too fat, sometimes I feel curvy and sexy, sometimes I feel slender and strong. Sometimes I feel like my face is interesting and beautiful, sometimes I feel like it's awful and gross. With so much vast fluctuation in how I feel about it all, I'm trying to think through just what "beauty" really means.

While current culture and society would tell me certain things are beautiful and certain things aren't, I'm more interested in how God has formed the idea of beauty. That verse in Proverbs makes beauty inconsequential in light of fearing the Lord. I want my value of beauty to reflect the same.

Blessings like a fountain

2011-07-12T02:06:00.000-02:00

I'm feeling so blessed lately. God is really bringing a lot of hope and excited happiness my way right now, and I'm so humbled by it.

The most imminent change right now is that I'll be moving out of the townhouse where I've lived for the past two years and into a rental house. The house is owned by friends from church who are moving to Nashville, and they wanted to sell their home. But it hasn't sold yet, and they need to move soon. So we are reaping the benefit of that circumstance and hopefully helping them out in the process.

I'll be moving in with a new roommate, and this is also a huge blessing! Her name is Olivia, and she moved from Tallahassee to Raleigh last July because she felt certain that God wanted her in Raleigh even if she didn't exactly know why. She's a really strong, faithful woman of God, and I think we'll enjoy sharing our living space and our lives with each other and seeing how God shapes things and shapes each of us. I know new situations can often seem totally rosy, but in this case I think I'm able to fully enjoy and be glad for ways that Olivia and I seem so well-matched to be roommates even while understanding and expecting our relationship as roommates and friends to be challenged by the realities of life and living in close proximity with another person. I've had some really great roommates in my lifetime, but I don't think I've ever been as struck by the potential for godliness to flourish in a roommate situation as I am with moving in with Olivia. It's as much a testament to God's work in her life and her heart as it is to anything else.

In other news, I feel really blessed at work right now because I see more and more how I'm part of a team there. And how my contributions are valued and necessary. And how this job and this company will continue to push me to grow and give me challenges to motivate me on that journey. It's a pretty amazing thing to have, and I'm very grateful for it.

Add to all of that my usual blessings of a great church community, great friends who love and support me, and owning the greatest dog in the universe - it's a veritable fountain of blessings!

Change of pace

2011-05-22T14:01:00.000-02:00

Last night was one of the most fun nights that I've had in a long time - I had to blog about it.

First there was some dinner at Busy Bee. I showed up a bit late (or a lot late... 45 min late, but whatever) and had some shrimp and grits. It was me and five of my co-workers plus two spouses of co-workers and one random brother-in-law of a co-worker.

From the Bee we caught a couple of taxis and made our way to Star Karaoke for two hours of karaoke MADNESS. Ohmygoodness, it was fun! When we got there, we had a private room for our group, and we added my roommate Beth, two wives (co-worker's wife and his brother-in-law's wife - or his wife's sister - it's confusing but try to keep up), a casual boyfriend-type guy, and then later another co-worker and his wife. So now we had 15 people. And about 4 bottles of wine between all of us. Plus the karaoke screen that displayed the words against a backdrop of THE. MOST. RANDOM. VIDEOS. EVER. Seriously, it would be footage of like a train going through European countryside then switch to Asian music groups performing on stage then a dog catching a frisbee. These are all ACTUAL examples and probably in the order they occurred.

Anyway, our karaoke group was lively! It was awesome! We had full-group sing-a-longs, duets, star solo performers ("Total Eclipse of the Heart" was probably my fave of these) - it rocked. Bethy and I sang Usher's "Nice & Slow" and we closed out the two hours of karaoke-extravaganza with TLC's "Waterfalls" in which I did the rap. Quite well, I think. :-)

We danced and sang and generally acted ridiculous, and it was a blast. Then more taxis came and hauled most of the group back downtown for some non-stop dance-party action. My legs are sore from dancing so much, and I ended up coming home with two glo-sticks. I mean, WHAT?! This is not at all my normal Saturday night, but gosh-golly-darn if I didn't have a great time!

Though I woke up this morning feeling worn-out, I've spent the whole morning in bed recuperating. And I'm feeling pretty good again already. Time for a shower and then off to a fundraiser lunch to help Beth and her team go to Italy next month! Hooray for the weekend!!!!

Good news, bad news

2011-05-03T00:28:00.000-02:00

It's been so long since I've updated here. Things that have happened:

I've been at my "new" job for over a year now.
My parents are now divorced.
I still miss my brother a ton - his 31st birthday would have been last Thursday.

That covers some basics of how life has been. But I would remiss if I didn't mention that, throughout all of the months since my last post, God has been present and loving to me. He is good, He has remained faithful, and I need Him more and more all of the time. When I think about the Lord, it occurs to me that He really is the best comfort and the best lover of my soul that could ever be. Full acceptance from a sovereign, supreme Creator? Yes, please.

I was telling my friend Olivia the other day that I have no major complaints in my life. I have major hurts that I need to deal with and experience healing from - but my life is good and purposeful. And only because of the Lord. He is being so patient with me all of the time. He is infinitely patient without effort, it seems.

That's the best "in a nutshell" update I can give, I think. Hopefully I'll have more time soon to give a more detailed look at things. As always, prayers are appreciated if you wouldn't mind lifting some to God on my behalf.

Untitled and unknown

2010-10-01T13:19:00.000-02:00

I get tired of the same old words to describe what it's like to have lost my brother so suddenly and so violently. Not that people ask me too often; it's more that I run it around in my own head so often, still trying to make sense of the insensible... but not feeling like I get very far.

I dreamed about him again this week. A couple of different dreams. They mostly center around the theme of: "You're not really dead! I knew it! I knew it couldn't be true!"

One of the dreams this week had a slightly newer twist in that my brother's disappearance was explained in the dream-plot as him pretending to have died. So then I was trying to ask him why he would try to leave us.

The biggest unanswered question of all.

I wish I'd had more time with him.

"Oh, don't you feel like cryin'..."

2010-07-14T23:30:00.001-02:00

Yes. Yes, I do.

Today is my mom's birthday. To understand why I want to cry today, you'll have to know what happened on Mama's birthday last year.

Last year my mom turned 50. My brother called me sometime last May to figure out how we could throw a party for her - he wanted to make sure I could help with it and be there. As so many plans like this one, the party we wanted to throw for Mama actually turned into her buying a bunch of BBQ, a cake, and pretty much throwing a party for herself. Mama just happened to end up with two kids in their late 20s who (for various reasons) still depended on her to make family gatherings, parties, etc. happen.

I generally stayed with my parents any time I visited Georgia, but last year was different. My brother had moved into a new apartment with more space, and he invited me to stay with him. I knew Mama would be a little put out for me to not stay at the house with her and Daddy. But I really thought it would be a good thing for me to stay with Bub instead. Maybe giving a little background will help make sense of what I mean by that.

My brother was restless for a lot of years, pretty much starting when he was in high school. I say "restless," but I could just as easily say "discontent." He had a lot of anger and contempt for things about life in general, his life circumstances in particular sometimes, and he tried really hard to figure these things out and really find happiness and peace. So the fact that he had this new apartment was a big deal. He was back with the girlfriend he'd broken up with six months or so before. And he had a puppy named Brasco that he was just crazy about and loved riding around with all day on his delivery routes. (At the time of his death, my brother was working for my mom's tire business doing deliveries.) These things were not all situations that I would have picked for my brother - I wanted more for him in a lot of ways. Even still, talking to him and having him invite me to stay with him that weekend, well, I just knew that it meant a lot. I knew it meant that he felt good about things, and he wanted me to share them while I was in town. He wanted to spend time with me, and I readily took him up on the offer since it was rare.

The other thing about my brother's restlessness - a byproduct of spending so much time wrestling within himself - was that he kept a lot very hidden and private. It was at times hurtful and other times simply infuriating the way he bristled at even the most basic questions about how he was doing or what he'd been up to lately. So, yeah, I didn't want to take for granted his invitation to spend the weekend at his place.

That weekend was perfect. Remembering its perfection now is what hurts so much.

He and his girlfriend picked me up from the airport. I'd cut my hair drastically short just before the trip - he loved it and said so. The three of us dropped off my bags at his place and then went out for late-night drinks and appetizers. We stayed out for a couple of hours laughing and talking. Bub and I figured out a plan for the next day knowing that his girlfriend would be working and that Mama's party was happening later that afternoon.

I slept on his couch that night with Brasco. We got up late the next morning. We went out to lunch at a place near his house that he wanted me to try - a little cafe with delicious salsa and burritos. We ordered the margaritas that were on special that day. And it's not treacly reminiscence when I say that those were the best margaritas I'd ever had - it's just a fact, they were damn good. The whole meal was delicious, and we enjoyed just hanging out.

After that, we went to K-mart and looked around for a little while. I don't remember that we were looking for anything in particular, but I do know that Bub really wanted to buy a grill. The grills were part of the Blue Light Special sale for the day. We walked up and down the row of them; he hemmed and hawed, lifted the hood of this one and that one, and finally decided he'd wait. Maybe save up the money and get it then. It was just another way I could see him finally starting to settle down into more maturity. I don't mean to make too much of it, but there were just so many years of bad decisions and poor choices for him that any turn in the opposite direction was hopeful.

We looked around for a poster frame too. He'd just bought a really big picture of a boat anchored in tropical blue water, and he wanted to frame it. I didn't get to see the picture that weekend because it hadn't shipped to him yet. But he showed me how much space it would fill on the living room wall above the couch. While we meandered through the aisles of K-mart, I was telling him about a ridiculous video I'd seen on YouTube recently. When I tell funny stories, I'll often kind of lose track of how loud I'm getting and I find it hard to suppress my laughter until the actual punchline of the whole thing. That's how I ended up saying one of the lines ("I've got a man-gina!") VERY loudly as we walked through the store. Bub just laughed and looked at me with his eyebrows raised, clearly more amused at how much I was laughing at my own story than anything.

"A man-gina?" he said, laughing, "well, all right." More laughter, shaking his head. "That's crazy, Whit."

It was one of those moments when you know you're family. It matched the exact dynamic we'd had growing up when I was always the goofy little sister who wanted to crack him up - from thinking I was genuinely funny or just at my expense, it made no difference. I was happiest to see him happy, enjoying something. I felt like I saw it happen less often the older we got and the less time we spent together. To see it recaptured while we walked around K-mart was just really sweet.

We headed back to his apartment after that. I don't even think we bought anything at K-mart. When we got back, he wanted me to hear some of his vinyl albums. Buying and listening to vinyl had become one of his latest hobbies at that point. He'd made a wish-list on a website that sold tons of it, which he'd told me about back in April when he came to Raleigh with my mom for Easter weekend. It definitely made it easier to buy him something for his birthday last year - I think I got him an Al Green record. But that afternoon we put on the new Black Crowes album, Warpaint, because we'd been talking about how much we both liked it. I'd never really listened to vinyl before, and Bub had a good record player and sound system. Music was hugely important to him, and he liked having it sound good.

We played darts in his living room and listened to that record. He burned incense and played with Brasco between turns. I think we played three rounds, and I almost beat him two out of three. I had a great comeback from being down a hundred points or so, but his throwing precision was always better than mine. A sporadic summer rain shower came and went while we played, and it splashed on the sliding glass doors of his living room that led to the outside patio. All in all, it was just a really chill and fun afternoon.

We drove to Mama and Daddy's house after that. There were maybe 15 people total at the party, all of us gathered on Mama and Daddy's back porch. It's screened-in and L-shaped. We had plenty of BBQ and beer. Bub brought one of his guitars with him and played after we'd all eaten. Just a random set list of songs he knew would sound good with just the acoustic guitar. One of the guys there, Vann, had started learning the harmonica, so he played along with Bub on some songs. One of my Dad's co-workers was there with his wife and their 4-year-old daughter, Reese, who became instantly enthralled with Vann's harmonica. She walked right up to him and when the song was over, she asked if she could play it. Vann handed it over to her and told her how to hold it up to her lips and push the air through so that it didn't just sound hollow but actually made music. She picked up on it pretty easily and played the one sound over and over a few times - not moving her mouth along the harmonica at all, just staying in the same spot.

Meanwhile my mom had gone inside the house and found the old child's harmonica that we'd had for years and years. I think it had originally been given to my brother by our granddad. Mama brought that out and gave it to Reese so that Vann could have his back and keep playing. Reese took the smaller harmonica and continued the same one-note tune. My brother listened to her for a second and then started picking along to her rhythm and just switching between a couple of chords that complemented the note she made. She kept right on playing, he picked along with her for a while and then brought their little song to a smooth stop. It was so sweet to watch the two of them. But we had no idea how entertaining it was about to be.

As soon as Bub stopped playing, Reese took her mouth away from the harmonica and said, "And-a one and-a two" to count them off to a new start. And then she just started playing her one note again. The porch erupted with laughter as Bub scrambled to go right back to what they'd been doing before. Reese was all business, too, because every time Bub would slow the song to an ending she would do the same count to start it back up again. And Bub just indulged her over and over again to play some simple melody that fit with her one-note drone. He always had a natural way with kids, and when the cute had worn off that little routine and her parents persuaded her to put the harmonica away for a while, he told her what a good job she'd done and they exchanged high-fives. Mama, who treats Reese like the grandchild she doesn't yet have, clearly loved watching the whole thing and, really, we all did.

Later that night, Bub and I got in his truck and drove the half-hour back to his apartment. On the way, I put Roman Candle's new CD in for us to listen to. I'd been listening to it non-stop for about a month. Recommending music to Bub was always tricky since he played so well and made up his own stuff on guitar. His tastes were eclectic but still picky - he liked to make fun of a lot of pop music I listened to (totally warranted in some cases), and in general I couldn't ever bank on any of my recommendations going over very well. But he really liked what he heard on that Roman Candle album that night and asked me to burn him a copy.

We got back to his apartment and he offered to sleep in the living room so I could have the bed that night instead. He spread out a blanket and pillow on the floor, and I was pretty surprised. My brother was a lot of fun to hang around with, but gestures of uninitiated generosity were rare for him to make. I chalked it up to more of his growing attitude of calm and responsible adulthood. Throughout the weekend, he had been repeatedly caring and considerate of me, totally hospitable and just easy company. Like I said, that weekend was perfect.

Less than two months later, my brother stood inside his living room while police officers spoke to him from outside, asking him to come out and talk to them. The officers could see him through the open sliding glass door. Then the sliding glass door slid shut and the sound of a gunshot followed. My brother died in that living room where we'd thrown darts, listened to records, and where he'd slept on the floor so I could be more comfortable.

"Oh, don't you feel like cryin'..." Yes. Yes, I do.

Dooley: {A Photo Introspective}

2010-05-20T00:40:00.009-02:00

And now for something completely different - some pictures of my dog, Dooley.

Here we have Dooley not knowing what I mean by "look at the camera - no, not at me! The CAMERA!" (I apparently think he should somehow know what those words mean.)

Here he is almost finding the camera. I call this "Contemplative Dooley." Y'know, like maybe he is thinking, "Arr-uh?"

"Attack! ATTACK!!" This is "Ferocious Dooley," which if you've met him you know is completely laughable...

As evidenced by this final picture. This could be called "Humdrum Dooley." Or "Dooley 95% of the Time."

Update #2: Job Hunt 2010

2010-05-05T01:19:00.003-02:00

I just realized I never actually made another update. And it's an update I definitely should make.

I have a job!! And have had said job for over a month!...um, yep!... sorry to anyone who has been left hanging in suspense and worrying over my well-being, lo, these many weeks. Hopefully you'll all be sleeping through the night again starting now.

So yeah, for realsies, I have a new job. And it is going GREAT! I'm the office manager at a marketing firm in downtown Raleigh. The company is small-ish (just under 35 employees) but growing. They make a lot of digital marketing campaigns for a variety of companies. The ones you will have heard of include: IBM, Lowe's (the home improvement one - not the grocery store), Sony Ericsson, and John Deere.

I wasn't all that enthused at the idea of more administrative work (which the "office manager" role certainly includes), but during the interview process I was really won over by the opportunities to advance in skills and responsibilities within this company. I'll be one of two people in the Business Department (read: HR + Accounting). So my manager and I make up the entire department. At least that will be the case after Friday. The former office manager stayed on through April and this first week of May to train me on all things possible. It's made the transition into a new position much easier in some ways, and I'm really grateful to have had this extended time of training.

Anything else I could say at this point would just be kind of redundant to the whole "this job is great" statement. Mayhaps I will go into more vivid and enthralling detail at some future date. For now, I'll just close by saying that I'm grateful - so very, very grateful - for all prayers during my time of unemployment. This job I have now is God's direct and gracious answer to those prayers.

A Very Un-Merry Un-Birthday

2010-04-28T15:09:00.007-02:00

On this day thirty years ago, my brother was born. But then he died last September. I kind of don't know what to do about this day now.

I chose the title of this post from that slap-dash absurdity in Alice in Wonderland where they sing "Very Merry Un-Birthday," which is like an anti-Happy Birthday song, at the Mad Hatter's tea party (at least in the Disney version they do). Ironically, I think that idea fits quite well with the circumstance I find myself facing. We (my family) have a day on which we could celebrate, but we have no person on which to lavish that celebration.

Not having dealt with this kind of thing before, I hoped (naively, I guess) that it wouldn't be much of a big deal. But then I found myself feeling weepy in the car this morning over every song I heard. The songs themselves kept wanting to take on new and different meaning that pertained to the loss of my brother in death and of who he was in life. Familiar words and tunes that had never held special meaning before, but today they picked at scabbed-over nerves I've been content to let heal for some time now.

It makes me weary to think of it, but I can't help but conclude that this is yet another facet of how grieving and mourning keep up their measured, day-by-day pace with or without my input. I might have stopped noticing the daily trod, but that hasn't stopped it from happening. It's sort of comforting in a way that I don't have to generate the effort to keep it going... but it's also scary in a way, knowing that it's out of my control and rolls along of its own accord. In general, exerting effort vs. control is one of those tensions in life that I think we're constantly dealing with and struggling to balance.

As for missing my brother, I still ache. I still cry. Even still, the pain has steadily taken on more manageable proportions within my life. I'm guessing on days like today though the pain of loss will spike like a strong heartbeat on a monitor screen. The emptiness of Bub's place in my life is certainly more confronting on his birthday. So, rationally, I understand it. But, Lord, I pray I can process it emotionally.

Prayers, as always, are appreciated. Thanks for reading... please feel free to comment.

[Sharon - This isn't the post that has your shout-out that I promised in my response to your comment on an earlier post. Another one is coming, I assure you. :-)]

Harris Teeter TRIPLES coupon week!

2010-03-24T13:23:00.007-02:00

How excited am I to tell you about my shopping trip to Harris Teeter this morning? Pretty darn excited! I just finished putting my groceries away (as well as cleaning out the fridge a bit in the process), and I couldn't wait to put together this post to outline how it all went.

These are the things I bought:
(2) Lysol wipes, 35-ct
Drano Professional/Max Strength (having a hard time with my shower + long hair)
Newman's Own Light Asian Dressing, 12-oz
Ziploc gallon freezer bags, 10-ct
Ziploc medium bowl containers, 4-pk
Wishbone ranch dressing, 16-oz
French's mustard, 14-oz
Burleson's honey, 12-oz
Suave Professionals Humectant shampoo
Suave Professionals Humectant conditioner
HT boneless, skinless chicken breasts
(3 packs: total of 4.8 lbs)
Marzetti Honey Balsamic dressing, 15-oz
(2) packs of fresh strawberries, 16-oz
Farm Rich mozzarella cheese sticks
Bird's Eye Steamfresh green beans, 12-oz
Alexia sweet potato fries
Land o' Lakes butter spread w/ olive oil
Breakstone's sour cream, 16-oz
(6) Yoplait yogurt

Total before coupons: $94.17
Amount saved: $55.16
Total OOP: $39.01

I consider it a success even though I know other folks manage to do a whole lot better.

Here are the best deals I got on the items I bought, and the discounts that made it happen:
(2) Lysol wipes, 35-ct
regular price: $6.58 ($3.29 ea)
my price: $1.79 (BOGO + .50/2 coupon tripled, makes it about $0.90 ea)

Newman's Own Light Asian dressing, 12-oz
reg: $3.99
my price: $0.49 (on clearance for $1.99 + .50/1 coupon tripled)

Breakstone's sour cream, 16-oz
reg: $1.99
my price: $0.19 (.60/1 coupon tripled)

French's mustard, 14-oz
reg: $1.79
my price: FREE (on sale for $1.50 + .50/1 coupon tripled)

On just these items alone, I would have spent $14.35 without any sales or coupons (the sale prices are only good with a VIC card so it does make a difference). Instead, I paid $2.47 total. That's a savings of 83%.

And now I'm a coupon-er!

2010-03-22T16:21:00.004-02:00

So I've been learning the ropes for shopping with coupons for about a month now. I'm getting better at it, and it's exciting!

My foray into the world of coupon clipping came from necessity of keeping a tight budget while I look for another job. I'm happy to say that my money is stretching much farther than it would have otherwise. And this new habit is really addictive. It's like I've told friends in the past few weeks: you quickly reach the point where you just don't want to pay full price for anything because you know you literally don't have to.

I cannot go any further with this news though without giving credit where it's due. A friend from church, Andrea, clued me in big time to Southern Savers, which taught me everything I know so far.

My biggest successes to date have been at Kroger and Target. Here are some details.

Kroger: I made good use of their "March into Savings" sale. If you buy eight participating items, they automatically take $4 off entire bill. I wish I still had the receipt handy, but I do remember what I bought.

2-liter Coke
2-liter Sprite
14.5 oz Del Monte stewed tomatoes
16-oz sour cream
Aquafresh Extreme Clean toothpaste
Lay's Cajun Spice & Herb chips (new flavor! ...only liked it so-so)
Sargento Artisan Authentic Mexican shredded cheese
1 packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dip mix
Bird's Eye Steamfresh veggie medley
8-pk Brawny paper towels

My total would've been $30.21, but I saved $15.11 for a total of $15.10 OOP. I saved more than I spent! By a penny, but still.

Target: Here's what I bought today, and I put details of the coupons I used next to each item.

Tyson Any'tizers buffalo chicken strips ($1/1 MFR, $1.50/1 Target printable)
TGIFriday's steak fajita skillet meal ($2/1 MFR, on sale for $6)
Bertolli garlic shrimp pasta meal ($1/1 MFR, on sale for $5.99)
Purina ONE 44-lb dog food ($3/1 MFR, $1/1 Target printable - reg price $21.99)
Band Aid 60-ct ($3 off wyb Band Aid + Neosporin, $1/1 Target printable)
Neosporin "Neo On the Go" spray (w/ Band Aid coupon above)

You could break it down like this:

Tyson chicken strips: $4.49
TGIFriday's meal: $4
Bertolli meal: $4.99
Purina dog food (44-lb): $17.99
Band Aids (60-ct): $0.77
Neosporin: $0.89

That's $50.22 before discounts. I saved $14.64 for a total of $35.58 OOP.

I'm hoping to really do well with Harris Teeter TRIPLES week! I'll try to report back when I finish my shopping on Wednesday.

Making choices on how to grieve

2010-03-12T18:07:00.005-02:00

The day I found out that my brother had died, I boarded an airplane in Raleigh that would take me to Jacksonville, FL where my parents would pick me up and drive me to their house. I don't remember where my flight connected that day - could've been Charlotte or Atlanta. I remember only brief moments of traveling that day at all.

In the Raleigh-Durham airport, security personnel conducted searches of carry-on bags at our gate before we boarded. I chose to upgrade to first class on one leg of the flight, and I ended up in the first row with the aisle seat which gave me a clear view of the flight attendants' seating arrangements during take-off and landing. I remember sitting very still at different moments during these occurrences to make sure I didn't start screaming or crying or both. Every nerve in me felt alternately raw and numb that day. Being in public, surrounded by strangers, enclosed in small spaces, being in constant motion, all for a number of hours on end - it's no wonder to me that I mentally checked out for most of that.

But there is one moment of absolute lucidity that I carry in my memory, and it helps me to recall it. I remember surfacing up out of the floating sensation where it seemed like my mind was emitting nothing but a low humming noise. Like blinking after a staring contest. I was sitting in the airplane seat as we flew through the air... and it was like some bit of curiosity made me start to think in a kind of series of questions for myself:

...if I ever get married, how will I explain this experience to my husband... would he ever be able to understand the importance of who my brother was in my life... what if I were married right now, how would I react to all of this... what if I just sunk into myself and into a haze where I was just catatonic and unresponsive to everyone and everything around me... and then what if one day I just awakened from that to begin life again--what would a man I was married to go through during all of that hazy time without me being myself, without me choosing to live my life with him and instead choosing to retreat so far from him and everything else...

That was my train of thought for an instant, and then I had one of those moments that we often call an epiphany.

I have a choice here... I have to resist going all hazy and retreating if I'm going to honor God in my life.

When people talk about being yoked with God, I think it's analogous to marriage vows. The idea of a "husband" in my musings wasn't all pretend in a way because Jesus is like a husband in my life - a spiritual, heavenly husband. God has also seen fit to bless people with earthly husbands (or wives) sometimes, and since I'm more familiar with that idea I think that's why I accessed my sense of faithfulness to a lifelong partner by way of imagining an earthly husband. And then it gave way to drawing the parallel that I have given my life to Jesus.

After that realization, it was like a small break in the clouds of my mind. I can point to that moment as the first moment when hope reappeared. The clouds didn't completely dissipate, of course, but the Spirit of God lifted me in that moment. The Lord was light in the darkness just like it says:
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the Lord will be a light to me.
(Micah 7:8)

I finished that flight still ruminating deeply over loss and pain, still switching between raw emotion and numbness. But the Lord had started building a foundation in my soul for how to respond to this suffering that had come into my life. It makes me think of something said in the psalms: Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. (Psalm 86:4)

As usual with these posts, I feel the need to end with some thought about why I've decided to share it. I'm becoming more convinced all the time that the Lord uses suffering. And why shouldn't He? It exists, and He can make all things good. So why would suffering be any different in the hands of the Lord? I just started reading a book that deals with "how the soul grows through loss," and I look forward to expanding my view on the purpose of loss and suffering. Prayer, as always, is appreciated.

Late night grieving

2010-03-05T03:59:00.003-02:00

I often write these in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning - whichever - the point being that I've usually stayed up late before ending up writing about grief and mourning. Tonight I did a Google search for "suicide survivors" to see what might be out there as far as resources. I just kind of felt like reading other people's experiences with being someone who survives a loved one's suicide death.

I've had mixed feelings about using the label "suicide" - I know my parents mostly choose to say my brother "took his life." I think certain phrases and words create more shock when we hear them than others. So in that respect I do feel like "took his life" or something similar to that softer phrasing is easier to say/hear than "suicide." I find that I'll say "suicide" when I'm talking about my brother's death indirectly. For example, I might tell someone: "Yeah, after my brother's death, I read a couple of books about suicide that were really helpful to me" but that's more of a statement about my grieving process than about how my brother died. But then if someone were to ask point-blank: "How did your brother die?" Then I would most likely say: "He killed himself."

I think most people would agree that they hear the differences in the verbiage there, but we probably can't necessarily pinpoint or articulate what those differences are. So for me it's not so much about knowing the reasons behind the various nuances of phrasing. My choices for how I decide how to speak about my brother's death in this wording or that one depend a lot on how I think my audience will react or handle the truth of the matter. In that respect, it feels very much like a choice surrounding how I will share my news with you. And that's been a learning process. These are the kinds of things that none of us can ever really prepare for. Who spends a lot of time mulling over how to share the news of their loved one's death in case it's a suicide? Hopefully nobody.

What I also never really could have expected is how I find myself wanting to shield people from the shock and pain of hearing about my brother's death. I know perfectly well that, outside of my family, nobody else is going to experience the blunt force trauma of this news like we did. But I think it's experiencing this depth and magnitude of pain that makes me want to instinctively shield others from it as best I can. But, in addition to that, I think people who live through someone they love committing suicide know how unusual the whole thing is. Not highly unusual in some "unheard of" way, just that it's rarefied. Because of that you realize quickly that you're very ill-equipped to handle it or even make sense of it right away - and it's happening to YOU. And so I think it gives way to thoughts such as, if I don't know what to do with this, then people completely outside of it are going to be totally thrown off...

So it makes it so that you try to deflect so that people don't feel put on the spot to make some fantastic revelation that will heal your hurt and pain. Such a thing - a magical healing elixir - doesn't exist anyway. I read a great quote on a website that turned up in my Google search. It said: "No one thing helps a lot... a lot of things help a little." I've found that to be entirely true. (I would encourage anyone who is confronted with trying to care for and support someone going through the pain of a suicide death to seek out resources online - or wherever - to try to get some sense of what your friend is dealing with. There are testimonials of other survivors out there who have walked further along the path that can really help explain things in a general sense. You don't have to feel totally inept as a friend of a friend going through this.)

Towards the end of these posts on grief I usually reflect on why I'm writing these posts at all. And it always comes back to helping others who may go through something similar where they're faced with a grieving process that they feel unprepared to walk through. This post is no different. I like putting out there my uncertainties and musings as they happen along the way because I want it to be known that it's been a learning process for me. I didn't automatically know what or how to do anything. Only by reflecting now can I see how things helped or not.

One myth I believed very early on - just days after my brother's death - was that his death would change my character overnight. That's just not true - it's not the nature of character transformation at all. I could say that my brother's death changed my life instantly, yes. But my character, my wisdom, my fortitude - those are all things that build and change gradually. So I cannot emphasize enough how much grieving is a process: a true journey of the spirit and soul to survive loss, to heal from it, and to find joy beyond it. The first step is always in realizing that you're still alive after a tragic loss. Then you start to figure out what life and being alive look like and mean for you.

A good friend asked me the following question a short time after my brother passed: "What can your community do for you spiritually in this time?" And my answer was: "Show me Jesus, point me towards Him." That's where we find healing after all, which is that next step after survival. As for the survival piece, I think it is purely God's grace.

"The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made." Psalm 145:9

Update #1: Job Hunt 2010

2010-02-24T13:51:00.003-02:00

No new job yet. I put in an application last week for a job posting that was set to close this past Monday, so hopefully I will hear something about an interview soon. It's a job I would really really love to have. And I think I would be good at it too. I don't want to say too much on the blog, but if you'd like to chat over the phone or over tea/coffee I'd be glad to tell you all about it.

My days of unemployment have included some new things. One of the absolute newest: I have been enjoying Wii Fit training. My parents got me a Wii and a Wii Fit balance board for Christmas. It wasn't something I asked for, but I've really enjoyed using it. So I've been trying to exercise a lot more, usually for at least an hour. The Wii Fit system has a mix of yoga, aerobics, strength, and balance exercises. So I do some of all of those each time. I start with the yoga and strength training, then aerobics and balance games then finishing with more yoga. The hula-hooping and boxing are the most strenuous, so I try to one or both of those each day. So far I've worked up from two times a week to three, and I'm shooting for five (possibly six) days of exercise this week.

The other thing I'm working on these days is reading scripture daily for the season of Lent. And beyond just this season between Ash Wednesday and Easter, but I figure it's gotta start somewhere. I posted on my church's online community system, "The City," to ask my Community Group to help me with this. So far it's been great! Folks from my CG suggest scripture for me to read, then I read and post a journal entry about (also through The City) and update my Twitter feed with a verse from the day's reading. It's been a good act of discipline for me so far.

Since Lent is a traditional time of fasting from something, I decided I would fast from everything/anything that keeps me from scripture. So whatever time I use now to read scripture is a turning away from whatever would have taken up that time before. It's sad to me that I've enjoyed such a loving heavenly Father looking out for me yet I don't have a habit of reading and listening to his words. I've had the habit of reading scripture at different times in the past, but it stopped before becoming a really lasting habit - it was easily lost and let go. Do I worry about becoming too legalistic in pursuit of this habit? Yeah, I guess so. But right now I know my desire to read the word of God comes from really desiring his wisdom and instruction because I see how my heart goes when I don't have that. And I'm thoroughly unsatisfied when my wayward heart doesn't seek the Lord.

As far as finances, the Lord is providing for me, and I'm keeping to a very strict budget these days. I'll be contacting a temp agency soon to start earning some income while I still look for gainful employment. I hope this update helps you know how to pray for me because I really appreciate your prayers!

Oh hello, Surprise Circumstance!

2010-02-05T00:22:00.005-02:00

We interrupt the recent regular schedule of programming on dealing with death and the grieving process to bring you a special bulletin.

Today I lost my job. I was laid off, terminated, RIF'ed (as my roommate often puts it... that's corporate-speak for "reduction in force" - snazzy, huh).

I wasn't expecting it, but I'm not in crisis mode over it either. Please allow me to explain why. ("Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." 1 Peter 3:15)

1) I wanted to change jobs. I even applied for a teaching position at the local community college here in Raleigh on Monday. (It wouldn't start until the fall though, so even if I get that job I need work to do soon.)
2) I'll be getting two weeks of severance pay (one week per year of employment with the company) + two weeks of vacation pay (it's early enough in the year that I haven't taken any vacation). So that's one month's worth of pay that I'll have while I job hunt.
3) I can't think of a better response from God to any questions I had about whether or not I should pursue a job change. He also cares about me enough to have set up this whole one month of pay while I look for work thing.

All of the things that I have seen fall into place for this already make me hopeful for the Lord to work it all out beyond what I can see. I was driving to my friend Christin's house today after getting the news and cleaning out my desk, and I started to pray. I could feel myself about to be upset about it, and I was ready to reach in my heart and pull out hurt and confusion... but then I said, "Lord, I - wait, YOU KNEW!" God knew all along, of course, that this was about to happen to me. And it just made me laugh. :-)

So that's what God has done for me today. My job went away, and He helped me find hope and peace with this surprising circumstance.

I'll update here as things unfold. In the meantime, I would appreciate prayers for me to discern the direction the Lord has in mind. I will go where He sends me. Excited to find out!

Only in my dreams

2010-01-31T06:17:00.003-02:00

One constant result of my brother's death has been his presence in my dreams. It started almost immediately after I got the news and flew home to my parents' house.

The first one I remember I was riding in a car down a residential street. And we passed a house - my brother's house in the dream but not a house I recognize outside of that dream world - and Bub was coming off the front porch into the yard. I lunged toward the window and waved and tried to call out to him. He saw me but the car just kept going.

Other times I see him in a kitchen - not always one that I recognize, sometimes it's my mom's kitchen - and I walk up to him and we talk. I usually tell him, "I knew you weren't dead! They told me you were but here you are, you came back! Where were you?" Or I just start talking to him about normal things unrelated to death. One time I saw him and he was wearing a white t-shirt with blood all over the front of it. But he was standing there like it was OK. The only thing I can relate it to was how the dead people in The Sixth Sense were able to walk around despite their injuries.

There was one where I was in a restaurant with my parents and we were sitting at a table already but not everyone was there. The place was really crowded around the hostess stand, so my parents sent me to watch for them. It wasn't my brother we were waiting for, but when I got to the lobby, I saw him dressed in slacks and a button-down shirt. I gave him a huge hug and said, "Hey you look great! Come sit down, Mama and Daddy will be so glad you're here! They didn't think you were coming." And I showed him where our table was and we all sat down and I was so excited to see him.

It's clear that my subconscious is still having trouble letting go. My waking consciousness is closer to fully accepting the reality of letting my brother go. At least it seems like it. But these dreams show me just how much I want to change reality. I can't change it, of course, and I do know that on some level. But... I just want to be able to. One of those desires of the heart that I can rationalize away during the day, but it pushes to the surface while I sleep.

Why am I posting about these dreams? They're pretty heart-wrenching. Quite soul-bearing. I guess I just want to reassure anyone who experiences something similar. I know having these dreams doesn't mean I'm crazy. They don't scare me or make me a wreck the next day. Honestly I haven't analyzed them much at all up to now.

And that's another thing: I'm doing my absolute best to let myself grieve however it comes. To let my grief be expressed naturally in my normal, daily life and without the constraint of expectations. Nobody in my network of friends and family has put expectations on me about grieving and I could not be more grateful for that. So I try to follow that example and not burden myself with expectations either.

I think trying to structure a grieving process would be futile. My grief is not yours and yours would not be mine. We can mourn with those who mourn, like the Bible says, but the feelings belong to each individual even if they are experienced at the same time. And the focus won't be exactly the same for each person involved. I believe my Mom and Dad are each grieving my brother differently than I am because he was a son to them and a brother to me. He was the same person but meant different things to each of us. And so the loss differs for each mourner. I would say there are going to be overlaps but that nobody can completely and equivocally experience the same grief as another.

And all of that brings me to Jesus. The One who can understand my heart better than anyone including me. I am eternally thankful to have Jesus as my Savior and Lord. I simply cannot conceive of dealing with my brother's death without faith in God.

Maybe these thoughts don't sound revolutionary to anyone else. But I'm finding my way through this as I go - it's all new scenery for me on this journey.

The silence of solitude

2009-12-19T23:38:00.004-02:00

I'm not prone to sweeping, melodramatic sentimentality. I can be moved in that direction, but I don't just go there naturally. So in the months since my brother's passing, I occasionally come across something that, on the surface, seems like it should be upsetting. Y'know, like a depiction of a brother/sister relationship - the very thing I've lost. But I find it doesn't always move me really. And earlier I was spending time thinking about why.

And when I try to figure out why, all I can come up with is that scenes like that - whether staged or in real life - belong to the people in them. They're not MY scenes. They're not MY memories or life experiences. That's not me and my brother that I'm seeing. And because I know that, well, I'm just not going to begrudge anyone the happiness or love being played out in THEIR life, y'know?

And that's all well and fine and good - that is, if it stays on that level in my mind.

Bub was my only sibling, period. So what does move me are things that penetrate that layer of just "that's them not me" to remind me of what I shared with my brother. What I find myself grieving - constantly - is the loss of that bond.

For instance, I was reading one of my favorite blogs today and looking through pictures the blogger posted of his son and daughter. Under one picture of his son, he explained the gesture the boy was making in the shot of having an index finger resting on each of his cheeks. He writes,

One word he still doesn't say is his sister's name (or any approximation of it). Instead, he uses this sign that he made up for her, I think because she kisses him so much on the cheeks.

On the bike ride to school, when she's not on the bike chattering with us, he pokes his cheeks and looks at me to ask where she is. Whenever he's away from her, this is what he's doing.

And that really tugged at my heart in a wrenching way. In that family, the little girl is about three or four years older than her brother. And the beginnings of their bond, so eloquently shown in his nonverbal name for her and asking for her when she's not there, just put me into an immediately sentimental state of mind. It happens, like I said, when I'm reminded of the bond that's been lost.

During my first visit to the Christian counselor that I've been seeing since mid-October, I held myself together fairly well answering her questions that outlined my family, how I came to live in Raleigh, my church & friends here, etc. Then she asked me, "Were you and your brother close?" And I started saying, "Mom always says, 'You and Marty always had your secrets and jokes --'" but then I just broke down sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing. The loud kind where you have no hope of getting any more words out until you cry awhile.

I feel more alone without my brother in the world. I didn't see him very often over the last five years since we lived in different states and all. But when we did get together, we found that distance didn't really matter. There's a comfort you develop with someone when you live with them for a long time. And you definitely form strong ties to people that you go through life-changing experiences with. I've seen this happen in my life at different times, but nothing compares to how true this was in my relationship with my brother.

Bub and I grew up together, went through having the same parents together, and were learning how to be adults at the same time as each other. If anyone was going to truly know me, it was him. He saw sides of me in totality that some people never even see partially - my tantrums, my stubbornness, my neuroses, my vindictiveness, my cruelty. I'm sure he saw good things in me too - but I point out a lot of negatives because that's so often what we do to our families. Those bad behaviors that we probably don't do to other people we will do to our families.

Family gives you bonds that you stretch the limits of and test more than any others. That's why it hurts so much to lose him. Because I was so sure of his love for me. So sure of it. And in life we are fools if we underestimate the importance and power of love that remains even after we've done our worst. My brother was that in my life - a constant friend, a true brother if I ever needed one. I wonder if I've ever loved someone as purely as I loved him. And no one can go back and be what he had become for me, what he'd always been. He is irreplaceable in the truest sense.

Like that sweet boy who taps his cheeks asking for his sister, I feel like I've spent the last four months sort of looking for Bub. All I hear in reply is the silence of solitude. And it breaks my heart to be alone in such a way.

I'm gonna walk through this.

2009-12-15T02:12:00.003-02:00

If you know me from real-reality (as opposed to virtual reality, i.e. - this blog), then you may already know that my older brother died in September. I'm going to blog about it. In pieces. Somewhat slowly. Because I want to take my time.

I titled this post before I wrote it. The title captures, for me, how I feel about this time in my life as I'm learning what grief really means for me and how to go about dealing with it. I'm walking through it. Not running, not crawling, not sitting still. I feel like I'm moving at a measured pace - I guess this is what has always been meant by "taking it day by day."

"Walking through" in this case also means I feel cautious. When you lose something so huge and so precious as the whole life of someone you loved deeply, I don't see how it wouldn't lead you to proceed with caution for a while. Like suddenly each step needs to have weight tested out carefully before you're willing to place your foot down and trust it to hold you. Because, my God, just a second ago - just a week ago - just a couple of months ago - not that long ago - you stepped out and fell straight through the floor. That's what my brother's death felt like. That and a hundred other analogies for the hard-packed punch of pain, loss, shock, and more pain.

So caution develops overnight where once I may have boldly stepped, skipped, sauntered or even swaggered. I say "caution" and not "fear" because... well, partly because I don't want to feel fearful. But also because a sense of caution is borne of experience. Fear, however, is more often borne from uncertainty of the unknown - it's distressing. Fear accompanies threats both real and imagined; caution is an alertness to an actual hazardous situation. I've come to understand the hazardous-ness of my world in a new way, and in response to this new knowledge I am proceeding with caution.

With the death of my brother, I have lost very much. I have lost his presence, his future, his personhood and tangible existence. These cannot be quantified in any measurable amount. I have also lost some of my innocence. Some of the insulation bubbled around me absorbing the spikier, sharper edges of the world has broken open. I'm wounded by what broke through that wall.

It's hard not to think of my hurt and pain without relying on terms from the medical field. I feel like I'm: wounded, bleeding, traumatized, needing intensive care, etc. At the same time, I could also say I'm: in shock, dazed, sedated, bed-ridden. The only disconnect with my life and these descriptions is that no part of my malady is physical. The hurt is all in my heart instead.

Plunging toward the core of all of my experiences in grieving, I've come up with these things so far. I just hope for a couple of things. One: that someone might read this and be helped somehow in their experiences too. Maybe not even right now, maybe sometime later on in life. Certainly as one who is grieving I don't wish for anyone to go through horrific loss and pain. But death comes to our door uninvited. We can't change that, so we might as well help each other with the aftermath of its visits. And two: I hope to reassure folks and give them hope that tragedy can strike us and we can walk through it to find whatever is waiting on the other side. I'm hoping to keep writing about what I find as I walk.

I want to change the world

2009-12-04T18:32:00.004-02:00

I really do. I want to throw out old rules and make new ones about what's possible and what's a viable option and what's proper. I want to be a citizen who refuses to be told what to think. I want to weigh mediated information as the second-hand, potentially biased, possibly deceptive stuff that it is.

If I end up getting married, I want to be a woman who plans more towards having a beautiful marriage than an impressive wedding. If I end up having children, I want to teach them about God's higher authority over them and how He entrusted them to me - to point out how God enables parents to love, and also that "to love" is still a choice that is made.

I am only one person. How can I change the world? The only way I know how is to do as much as I can every day to set my life up according to how Jesus talked about life on earth. Because even while the world may go one of a thousand ways, Jesus points out God's one and only way.

I never blog anymore, and I guess this may seem like a strange re-entry to the world of blogging. I didn't plan it; I'll just go with it. These things occurred to me and I thought I'd share them.

Thanks for reading.

Rock N Roll McDonald's!

2009-02-15T19:17:00.002-02:00

So Bethy did this. A little while ago. And now I'm copying the idea. Sorry my first blog in like six months isn't all that original... Oh well!! Here you go!

If someone says, “Is this ok?” you say:
Sleep On (Alison Krauss) - heck yeah! Ignore the problem, it will go away, right?
What would best describe your personality?
She’s Always a Woman (Billy Joel) - OK, as long as they don't mean in a needy emotional kind of way.
What do you like in a guy/girl?
What a Girl Wants (Christina Aguilera) - But that's still kind of vague...
How do you feel today?
Master Blaster (Jammin’) (Stevie Wonder) - On a Sunday? You know it!
What is your life’s purpose?
Where is the Love? (Black-Eyed Peas & JT) - My list got all screwed up, so I had to fudge on this one a little. But I think it works.
What is your motto?
I Gotta Find Peace of Mind (Lauryn Hill) - Sing it, L-boogie.
What do your friends think of you?
We Can Work It Out (Stevie Wonder) - Stevie, you're such an optimist, and we're with ya, man.
What do you think of your parents?
Speed of Sound (Coldplay) - I don't get this one.
What do you think about very often?
There is None Like You (Watermark) - That song is about Jesus, so yeah that'll work.
What’s 2 + 2?
New (Bethany Dillon) - As in, a brand new set of four!
What do you think of your best friend?
We Belong (Pat Benatar) - I don't even know who my best friend would be, so I like the use of "we" here.
What do you think of the person you like?
Little Good-byes (SheDaisy) - Now that's just depressing.
What is your life story?
All That Noise (Dave Barnes) - The last couple of weeks? Yes.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Help Me If You Can (Roman Candle) - Sounds like a person who needs some direction. Sounds like me.
What do you think when you see the person you like?
Beautiful (Bethany Dillon) - Awww, yay!
What do your parents think of you?
Make Believe Jesus (Shane & Shane) - The song has a different message than the title implies, so I'm gonna say this works.
What will you dance to at your wedding?
Be Near Me (Bethany Dillon) - That's cool. Not really a wedding song, but the title works well here.
What will they play at your funeral?
Befriended (Stephanie Cuomo) - That'd be nice, too.
What is your hobby/interest?
Miles to Go (Dave Barnes) - Now I know they don't mean running--hahahahaha, that's a laugh.
What do you think of your friends?
Twelve Days of Christmas (The UGA Accidentals, which is a men's a capella group) - So remember, friends, my favorite color is green.
What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Love You Down (INOJ) - No comment. I could only get myself in trouble here.
How will you die?
Simple As It Should Be (Tristan Prettyman) - Well, all right then.
What is the one thing you regret?
What This Woman Needs (SheDaisy)
What makes you laugh?
Holiday (Shane & Shane) - I guess from all of the obvious merriment.
What makes you cry?
Wesley, why? (Matt Wertz) - Seriously, why did you do that, Wes? Geez...
Will you ever get married?
Someday, Sarah (Dave Barnes) - Is Sarah asking me all of these questions?
What scares you the most?
Adia (Sarah McLachlan) - The lyrics say, "Adia, I do believe I failed you/Adia, I know I've let you down..." And it's all melancholy and stuff, so maybe Adia's reaction will be scary.
Does anyone like you?
Isn't She Lovely (Stevie Wonder) - Hey, thanks, Stevie! (Even though you're blind.)
If you could go back in time, what would you change?
The Remedy (I Won't Worry) (Jason Mraz)
What hurts right now?
A Thousand Miles (Dave Barnes) - Ouch.
What will you post this as?
Rock N Roll McDonald's (Wesley Willis) - Well, if this is the Wesley from #25, then absolutely it makes me cry. From laughing so hard.

You be the judge! Episode 1

2008-08-14T15:05:00.001-02:00

I answered the phone.

Me: "Company I Work For, our Slogan, this is Whitney, how can I help you?" (my standard greeting)
Man: "Hey, I was just calling to see if y'all were still in business."
Me: (slight pause, short laugh) "Yes, we are, uh, is there someone you need?"
Man: "No, I'd just called some other places down south of y'all, and they weren't in business. So I wanted to call and make sure y'all were still in business before I sent anybody down there."
Me: "OK, let me get our shop counter for you--"
Man: "No, I don't need the shop."
Me: (somewhat confused) "Are you planning to bring in a vehicle?"
Man: "Yep."
Me: "OK, well, you'll need to set up an appointment for it, so let me--"
Man: "No, I don't need an appointment. I'm just sending it in for a steer tire."
Me: "Um, what company are you with?"
Man: (exasperated) "Company A."
Me: "Well, if we can't fit you in on the same day--"
Dial tone.

I managed to hang up the phone's handset instead of doing what I really wanted to do with it, which was bang it repeatedly on my desk. After seething for a minute or two, I picked up the phone again and dialed *69, but the number was unavailable--probably for the best since I had no plan of what to say beyond lots of angry yelling.

I really don't get how people can be so irrationally rude in such banal business situations. But... well, you be the judge!

Random Confession #28

2008-08-14T14:37:00.002-02:00

I use odd words in everyday speech without any ironic intent. Sometimes I know when it happens, but I'm sure there are plenty of times I'm totally unaware. Feel free to list examples of odd words you've heard me say--that could be fun for all of us... I'll moderate as needed.

You be the judge! Intro

2008-08-13T16:32:00.000-02:00

So I've come up with a way of presenting situations I encounter at work, and I'll be seeing how it works as a new installment on the ol' blog. I'm calling it "You be the judge!" because I'm going to make efforts to present the cold, hard facts of each circumstance, and let you, my reader, decide what you would have done (or, if it's unresolved at the time of posting, what should or could be done even).

These YBTJ posts may, at times, be sort of like giving random confessions about "Workplace Whitney." In other words, they'll likely reveal, for better or worse, how I handle day-to-day things as an office maverick (see link for my job description--you'll have to scroll to the 3rd paragraph). Certainly, though, they'll provide me with a way to vent. I've recently started seeing how detrimental it is for me to bottle up so much of my workplace frustration. Enter: coping mechanism.

I'm hoping to post my first episode of "You be the judge!" tomorrow. Happy Wednesday!

Sensational news stories: The stages of progression

2008-08-08T16:59:00.001-02:00

I was reading an online magazine and came across this blurb in relation to the John Edwards mistress/love child story:

I'm assuming we're reaching the next-to-final stage of the natural progression in cases like this: 1) Too horrible and shocking; it can't possibly be true; 2) It's not true; 3) You can't prove it's true; 4) Why are you trying to prove it's true? 5) It's disgusting that you've proved it's true; 6) What's the big deal anyway?

I found it to be hilariously accurate in charting the movement of stories like these in the news. But it's bittersweet hilarity because scandal coverage, in general, makes me queasy. This theoretical "stage" approach points out the typical deceitfulness and hypocrisy of people scandalized in the news.

And there's so much of that. And the stench of it makes me want to barf.

Random Confession #27

2008-08-08T14:29:00.000-02:00

I typed thsi one without usig the "backspace" key at all. Fest your eyes on all of my spellingg erros that naturally aoccur as I'm tapying. Dang it. I really wanted to fix a lot of those. And that led me to trying a lttle harder on this last sentence to make sure everything was almst perfect.

Random Confession #26

2008-08-06T13:13:00.001-02:00

I ate a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and drank a Cherry Coke this morning while I worked, and I think I ruined my lunch.

Update: Yes, I totally ruined my lunch. I haven't been hungry all afternoon after only being able to eat an apple on my actual lunch break. Hopefully I'll have a healthy, normally-scheduled dinner.

Random Confession #25

2008-07-29T17:44:00.000-02:00

I have what is probably an unhealthy preference for name brand products.

Random Confession #24

2008-07-23T09:48:00.001-02:00

Some of you may already know this one... sorry it's not new for you.

Remember the Eggo waffle commercials and the slogan "L'Eggo my Eggo" (spelling help courtesy of wikipedia)? Well, I grew up hearing the slogan and seeing the commercials and all that. But it wasn't until 9th grade that I understood that it meant "let go (of) my Eggo."

I know. I know.

Here's my recollection of my enlightenment. I was just sort of lounging in the living room--half paying attention to the TV while probably reading a book or something--and the commercial must have been on. And I heard the tag-line at the end, and a light-bulb effect went off in my head. Once the connection was made, I reflected on the years and years I'd spent not really knowing what Legos had to do with Eggos. It may have helped me had I ever noticed that spelling configuration of "l'eggo" for "let go." But I'd always pictured it in my head as "Lego my Eggo." And my brain, not finding a clear-cut path of logic between the two, was apparently not interested enough to stop and figure it all out any sooner than it did.

But part of me likes to believe that some small department in my brain was working on this non-stop all those years. And maybe it was a department that was always experiencing budget cuts in the amount of brainpower spent on this one project.

But there must have been one stalwart synapse in there plugging away. And maybe that one synapse figured it out a long, long time ago--but was never given a voice at board meetings with the heavy-hitting execs in charge of activities like "Driving" or "Studying" or (more likely) "Crossword puzzles."

Until one day! One day when most of the execs were away from their usual posts--the long-suffering synapse saw an opportunity! And it mustered all of its energy and fired its message down the pipeline at the precise moment needed, right after the sound of the words had traveled to my ear--"L'Eggo my Eggo"--and suddenly the synapse's message broke clear through to my consciousness--BAM! Right in the middle of whatever had been going on in my head.

What a victory for the long-suffering synapse! I hope it was given a hefty promotion and a substantial raise. That's the kind of endurance and initiative I'd like to see happening up there all the time, y'know?

The Black Crowes

2008-07-22T08:30:00.000-02:00

Outdoor show!!!!! Nov 8 @ 5pm--Lincoln Theater's street stage!!!!! I bought two tickets!!!!! Who wants the other one???? It's $35 and goes to whoever responds first!!!!

So much punctuation????!!!!!!

Random Confession #23

2008-07-21T17:00:00.000-02:00

Whenever I hear people refer to the song We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel, I know it's by Billy Joel. But I picture Billy Idol. I imagine that song belonging to Billy Idol. And I think I always have. I figured this out on Sunday.

I think the driving tempo reminds me of White Wedding or something.

Random Confession #22

2008-07-20T12:08:00.000-02:00

I lost this one. Seriously, I thought I'd typed it out and saved it, but it's nowhere to be found... I wonder what it was, huh? It's weird to think I confessed to something, and now I don't know about it myself.

THE present

2008-06-20T15:31:00.001-02:00

So I have waited much longer than I'd intended to unveil the present that my parents got for me.

But now is the time. Drum roll please!

Friends and loved ones, I give you--

The Amazon Kindle!!

(Not my hand.)

If that link up there doesn't work for you to read all about the wondrous-ness of the Kindle, go to Amazon.com and info usually comes up on the home page of the site. I love mine already that's for sure. I named it "Sweet Cuppin' Kindle," which is just a reference to this.

So there you go, and now you know!
Happy Friday, folks!

Thurprise!

2008-06-09T17:14:00.001-02:00

Did you hear that my birthday was last Tuesday? That's right, it was! And my fabulous friends threw me a surprise birthday party this past Saturday! And the party was in my apartment! Hahahaha, it rocked. And I did NOT see it coming,* so it was awesome. I posted last Monday about my birthday, and I included a short list of my favorite things. Well, the party planners used this list to their advantage. They created a Whitney Wonderland of sorts (wherein all kinds of things I love and prefer are on hand). Even though it's not Christmastime at all--or even close--we could've changed the song to "...walkin' in a Whitney Wonderland..." if we'd thought of it.

A list of presents (including items on my "favorite things" list):
6-pack of Newcastle
Reese's pieces
Mellow Mushroom pizza (a LOT of it)
chocolate cake with peanut butter icing
elephant figurine/candle holder (reallllly rad)
jasmine-scented candle & a pair of socks (reallllly random)
a moss green Slanket
cauliflower (in my fridge with a bow on it)
sweet tea & lemonade
strawberries
vase of sunflowers (on HUGE stalks--they're beautiful)
Border's gift certificate
laughter (& general merriment)

A very, very fun time all-around. A big THANK YOU to everyone involved in the planning. I don't know exactly who all you are, but I felt so loved. And another big THANKS to everyone who came to celebrate--again, totally felt the love.

Brad & Courtney, Dooley says thanks for the peanut butter-filled bone y'all got for him. He's really enjoying the savoring of it (which means I give it to him for 10 or 15 minutes at a time or until I feel like the drool factor is maxed out for the carpet).

I received another present from my parents that is possibly my favorite thing they have ever bought me ever. EVER. And I just sat here and considered my use of "ever," and I gotta say--I really mean it. This present is the most useful, perfect, REVOLUTIONARY gift I could ever receive. It is literally going to change my life for the better in so many ways. And, like I told Beth, having this thing makes me really glad I live in this century. Technology may not be all good all the time, but concerning this particular invention I am definitely glad for the constant advancements in technological ingenuity these days.

I know, I know--what is it already?!?! I'll tell you. In my next post.
(Hey, don't get mad. It truly deserves it's own post. And I may even do something I've never done on this blog before: provide a picture of it!... but we'll see.)

Thanks for all the birthday wishes last week, folks! One of the best birthdays I've had in a long time.

*I received a text message Saturday afternoon that effectively "let the cat out of the bag" about the surprise party that was going to happen that night. BUT prior to that I didn't have any suspicions. And the text message only alerted me to a party--it didn't ruin all of the wonderful, thoughtful details of the celebration planned.

It's the twenties! Let's live it up!

2008-06-04T15:10:00.000-02:00

Maybe in honor of being midway through my twenties now or maybe just some random trigger in my head--take your pick--the point is: I want to re-discover concert-going. Who's with me?

I just bought two tickets for She&Him at Cat's Cradle on July 28 @ 7:30pm. If you want to go, let me know and the 2nd ticket is yours for $16. If you don't know about She&Him--don't worry, you have almost two whole months to give them a listen.

So yeah. Also on the 2008 concert list: The Black Crowes. Now this one--this one makes my adrenaline rush and my heart skip a beat just thinking about it. Oh, Black Crowes, how I love your live shows. (It even makes me poetic, awww!) This one isn't until November 8 @ Lincoln Theater, and tickets ($35) aren't on sale until 6/21. Anyone interested?

It's the twenties, people! There's no time like right now to enjoy it.

My birthday?

2008-06-02T16:13:00.002-02:00

Yeah, it's tomorrow. I'll be a quarter of a century old.

I just didn't want any blog-reader of mine out there to be uninformed. :-)

If you're one of those gift-buying types, here's some additional, very useful information:
favorite candy- Reese's peanut butter cups
favorite vegetable- cauliflower
favorite fruit- strawberries
favorite summer beverage- lemonade/sweet tea (an "Arnold Palmer" as it's known)
favorite beer- Newcastle
favorite animal- Dooley
favorite color- green
favorite activity- laughing

Now if you can find a way to combine all of those into one gift... well, honestly, I would probably not accept it. And I'd also be upset if my dog was harmed in any way during said combining process.

Almost my birthday!!

This may not translate well

2008-05-26T19:41:00.001-02:00

So my last post was on the topic of the prayer ministry at my church, and this one follows that theme. I only hope I can accurately describe what's happenin' because I really think it's so cool. So cool.

Each month, we have a prayer ministry meeting where all the prayer volunteers get together (often over a meal--either out somewhere or at my place), and we discuss how things are going a bit. I try to study a passage of scripture prior to these meetings in order to present some of God's truth to everyone. The hope is that scripture will continually inform and guide the prayer ministry, its inner workings, and its volunteers. Sounds good, right? I think it has been. Once every four months, we have more of an "evaluation" type meeting that focuses solely on those "how things are going" parts. There's always room for improvement, right? And it never hurts to have a check-up for health's sake.

Anyway, last Tuesday night, I ordered some pizza, and we had agreed to meet at my place for this month's meeting. Two of the three volunteers showed up. Even though the time and date had been OK'ed by everyone at least two weeks before. I received a voicemail from the third volunteer saying an accidental double-booking for that night had prevented her from making it.

Friends, I'd like to say I handled this news with grace and understanding immediately. But that would not be true. I'm pretty sure my thoughts ran along the lines of, "seriously? how can our ministry meeting be replaced by some other thing?! which meeting was scheduled first? what else could be so much more important?" I believe I stopped just short of "how dare she?!"

This isn't the first monthly ministry meeting this volunteer has missed. The others may have been last minute cancellations, too, but I can't really recall. So I felt it was inevitable that I bring this pattern up for discussion. And I knew that my indignation (and, let's face it, the underlying hurt and anger) would not be the appropriate tone for the discussion.

What could I do? How could I stop myself from making a disaster of a delicate situation? How do you "discipline" someone you're leading? These were the things I felt like I was facing without a lot of experience to guide me.

I prayed. What else could I do? I asked God to help me approach my friend (she's not just a volunteer of the prayer ministry, after all--we have a friendship, a great friendship, in fact, based solidly in being daughters of God... I didn't want to lose sight of any of this).

I wrote out a game-plan of sorts. Questions I could ask her to ease into the topic. Ways I could pursue an honest conversation that wouldn't seem accusing or belittling. I tried to set up a time for us to talk it over soon, but it turned out that we didn't re-connect until almost a week later. And when we did, here's what happened as best I can describe it for you.

God joined us. God joined us, and he spoke.

Those plans I had jotted down? Ideas for questions to ask and lead into the topic? Didn't use them. They may not have been bad ideas, but it certainly all went really well without them.

My friend--sister in faith, volunteer in the prayer ministry--felt just as I did that our conversation was used by God to show us and teach us things we didn't previously know. Statements came from my mouth I had not thought of before, but the truth ringing in them was certain. They contained love and grace and wisdom. Where had it come from? Had to be from God. Given my state of mind--my initial reaction to things--a few days before, I knew better than to feel responsible for the goodness flowing in that conversation she and I had.

She left encouraged. I left encouraged. We parted ways with a better understanding of the love of God and the commitment of friendship to one another because of our shared faith in him.

People talk about growing "pains," but I tell you what--these felt more pleasant than that. This sense of mind and heart being stretched to new understandings and perspectives. I'll look back on this and draw strength from seeing God work quite clearly in something I readily accepted as beyond my capabilities. If I hadn't prayed, could God have worked the same way? Certainly, yes yes yes. But... it might not have dawned on me to praise him for it like I can for how I saw it all go down.

Prayer ministry: a look back at the first year

2008-04-16T17:19:00.000-02:00

Did you know I'm the deacon of prayer at my church? It's true. My deaconship set sail (I never tire of making that little joke) last April, so I've been trying to follow God's lead on this thing for a year now. And while "success"--or whatever quantifiable notion of it one could come up with--isn't the end goal of it, the progress or journey of anything is sometimes more fun to measure in miles than inches. So I wanted to take a look back at year one of the prayer ministry in comparison to how things are looking at present.

First, we'll see what the numbers of things have to say...

the volunteer base has quadrupled! (from 1 person to 4)
we've had two training sessions in six months
we started with two prayer meeting times, and now we're up to three
we've had consistent ministry meetings for 4 months running (well-attended, too!)
we rarely have less than two people at prayer meetings anymore (having a single praying soul used to be the norm... an unfortunate, sad norm)
I've had the chance to address a large audience concerning prayer 2.5 times (one women's conference, one Owner's Night, one very brief bit of a home group leaders' meeting)

That's some good progress, I'd say.

Now for some decidedly intangible stuff... these will sometimes lean towards a "random confession" vibe perhaps. But *spoiler alert* it ends up in a good place because the prayer ministry in general is in a good place right now.

For the first four or five months of coordinating the prayer ministry, I swung quickly from excitement and zeal to discouragement and drudgery. I was out there feeling quite alone at prayer meetings, and I imagined myself on a life raft in the epicenter of a large body of water--an ocean, let's say, those are the popular choice for metaphors of this type.

Anyway, people would ask me how the prayer ministry was going during that time, and I didn't want to be all depressing in my response. So I tried on the non-answer approach: "it's goin'." That placated most inquirers. Every now and then someone would ask the follow-up, "are many people showing up?" So I'd just opt for matter-of-fact honesty, "no, usually just me." The reactions ran between surprise/amazement to sympathy/sadness.

And do you know what? Those reactions helped me immensely to put the situation into perspective. If the only thing we had as reference points were snippets of conversation like that, then surely motivation would be hard to come by. Going back to the life raft for a moment, it would be so similar to that feeling of just being adrift in something vast and difficult to deal with--or fully comprehend even.

So I don't remember those bits of conversation now for any point other than to realize what an impact they made in my perspective. Instead of being in a vast, empty ocean on a small raft of my own... I started to see a different scene. Not that I would have been able to put these words to it then, but in order to extend the metaphor for the illustration:
I started to see the possibilities of uncharted waters ahead instead of aimless drifting.
I started to see a steady current keeping the vessel afloat instead of the slish-sloshing made by treading water.
I started to see a large aircraft carrier underneath me instead of a rinky-dink raft.

OK, not really that last one--that's giving me way too much credit because at the time I really, REALLY did not know see how the prayer ministry was going to expand and what people would even fill it if it did. But I could say I started to see my life raft on a course to meet other life rafts skimming along the surface of the same ocean instead of being the only one at all.

Anyway, the point is where excitement and zeal may have worn off, God threw out a clearer vision of journey and faithfulness that I couldn't help but trust. It all made sense, fit together like tongue-in-groove slats building... something, even if I couldn't exactly say what.

That, to me, has been the biggest piece of encouraging progress for the prayer ministry so far. God sent down a change in perspective that required more faith in what he will accomplish than what any one of us ever could. He sent down a vision that bolstered the outlook of the whole mission in a time when the shaky legs of a newborn ministry could have buckled. He said not only was it OK that the prayer ministry didn't look, feel, sound, or seem in any way like a massive movement with momentum and poise and credibility--not only was that OK--it was also the way he planned it.

You may ask, how can you know that? What would make you so sure? The only thing I can tell you is that Christ asked us to be faithful... and that's it! If you remain faithful to his design for things, then you're done, you did it, you obeyed. It's that simple. The only time it gets tricky is when he asks me to do something I don't want to do, I begin to resist, and the very presence of my resistance shows that I'd been holding onto some ideas of my own for how things should go. But as long as I let go of the resistance and remain faithful still, then it's still all right.

As I look back at this year of prayer ministry, I see it as another thing in the list of ways God takes care of everything. Here's to many more years on this ocean letting God's hand be the rudder of the prayer ministry.

Random Confession #21

2008-04-16T16:20:00.000-02:00

I write these in whatever order I want and then just assign a sequential number to them. For instance, I wrote this one AFTER the 22nd confession. Crazy, huh.

Random Confession #20

2008-04-08T17:28:00.000-02:00

I've never really understood all the fuss about The Beatles. Sure, I like a lot of their songs, but the fanatical obsessions? I don't see how those are warranted... for anyone/anything really. But love of The Beatles seems to be a good example of a really widespread phenomenon that I can't join.

I'm excluded. And I don't mind, the reasoning just escapes me.

PS- please don't think this is a cry for you to explain and expound on the wonders of The Beatles because it's not.

Random Confession #19

2008-04-05T20:32:00.000-02:00

Even though it is likely to be a very good idea, I will resist changing the name of this blog to "Random Confessions."

Random Confession #18

2008-04-02T12:25:00.000-02:00

Wearing sunglasses makes me feel intimidating.

Random Confession #17

2008-03-25T12:46:00.000-02:00

If I wait until seven minutes before the next quarter hour (:08, :23, :38, :53), the time clock at work will round my time up to that next quarter hour. I use this information to my advantage very often.

Random Confession #16

2008-03-19T12:46:00.000-02:00

I've farted on my dog before. But, trust me, it was purely out of revenge. Of the two of us, his gas is worse.

Random Confession #15

2008-03-13T14:07:00.000-02:00

I could be stranded on a deserted island with the following things and be perfectly content for a very long time:

-a large book of crossword puzzles
-a large book of cryptograms
-Snood
-Dooley
-my iPod
-a pack of black Uniball gel pens and a blank notebook
-sunglasses & sunscreen
-my hairbrush

(This confession assumes an ample supply of food, water, and soap.)

Random Confession #14

2008-03-10T17:55:00.000-02:00

I know a kid that I don't think is even remotely cute. This child is homely.

I'll never tell their parents.

Really, billboard? Is that necessary?

2008-03-05T15:29:00.000-02:00

On my way to and from work, I take the good ol' 440-Beltline. I avoid the Beltline when I'm driving any other time because I prefer a bit more scenery on my routes. But it's necessary for my morning commute.

Anyway, there's a particular billboard somewhere around exit 12 that caught my eye recently, and I was appalled. I shall describe it for you:
white background
tape measure on the far right with the tape extended to the far left
bold, black lettering in all caps "Bigger is better" and underneath that
more bold, black lettering in all caps "Size does matter" (or "Size really does matter"--I can't remember exactly, but I'll check it out and correct this post if need be)

Now I'm not the first person to observe that a very large (inordinate, to be sure) amount of advertising ploys today lean back on the "sex sells" mentality. I'm nowhere near the front of that line. But we shouldn't stop there. Follow this "sex sells" mentality through its entire course and you'll find that we're just getting dumber and dumber about it.

I heard on Sunday that psychology has a theory about familiarity breeding unfamiliarity. Too true, too true. It's the same premise behind the idea of a cliche--at its inception, a cliche is just a phrase or statement that rings so universally true that it becomes a kind of shorthand tool used for expressing that idea.

So someone shortens the idea that "people pay attention to anything related to sex so fervently that associating your product with sex will lead to selling that product" to the quick, easy, alliterative: "sex sells." Not just cliche, it's crossed over the line into the mindless, automaton-ish mantra territory.

This is how we end up with a tape measure featured as a phallic symbol on something as decidedly un-sexy as a plain white billboard that's then stamped with a pop culture double entendre to make the whole thing more over-the-top than a 'roid-popping pole jumper. And all of that chosen so that someone will say... what? "Hey, that billboard makes me think about sex. That's cool. I think I'll buy that ad space for myself/my company/my product. Yes! This is a good idea." I mean, that is obviously not gonna happen. Do these ad wizards ever think these things through anymore? I submit that they do not.

UNLESS their goal was for people to think the current billboard message is so lame and shameless they want to buy the ad space and fill it with something decent. In that case, well-played, Ad Wizards. Well-played, indeed.

Random Confession #13

2008-03-05T14:56:00.000-02:00

I willingly drank a Pepsi the other day. As an avid Coca-Cola fan, I am deeply ashamed, so I'm hoping that a public confession such as this will help rid me of my guilt.

Random Confession #12

2008-03-02T18:03:00.001-02:00

Over the years, starting some time around middle school, I've considered it a distinct possibility that I may end up marrying someone who is put in a different racial category than I am. It seems to me the difficulties arising from cultural differences would be the only ones unique to such a match as that. (In other words, I'd spend more time on thoughts concerning our different cultures than whatever "race" category we're put in.)

Random Confession #11

2008-03-01T19:49:00.000-02:00

There have been times when I'm all alone in my church's building. And I've ended up on the stage belting out whatever songs are on the sheet music leftover from when the band practices.

Sometimes with a dead mic in my hand.

Random Confession #10

2008-02-28T17:02:00.000-02:00

99.5% of the time I pick my nose with my bare finger.

Random Confession #9

2008-02-27T09:16:00.000-02:00

One time I was bumming around my apartment, and I was sort of hungry for a snack. Specifically something sweet. I don't keep a lot of cookies or candy around because of my tendency to just snack when I'm bored. So on this day I was looking in the pantry for anything sweet, and I was not having much luck.

Then I remembered something in the upper cabinet where I keep my baking supplies. Did I pull out the cake mix sitting on the shelf and mix it up and wait an hour for it to bake so I could satisfy my sweet-tooth? No, no, my friend. I needed more instantaneous satisfaction than that. My patience was not to be tried.

So that was the day that I ate a couple of spoonfuls of brown sugar. Just plain, raw brown sugar. And y'know what? It did the trick.

Just some thoughts

2008-02-25T17:14:00.000-02:00

I don't think I'm as disgruntled as I used to be, generally speaking. This possibility occurred to me this morning when I was considering reasons for the decline in how often I blog nowadays. But it might not be related at all because I don't remember taking out a lot of frustration on my blog. Did I?

Even if this isn't causing my slackness in the blogging department, I still think it's true that I'm generally happier than I used to be. I'd say that most of the two years I spent in grad school was unhappy time. The only real joy I remember from that period was teaching. I miss that a lot.

So I get this question pretty frequently: Are you gonna go back to school? And I haven't had a very straightforward answer to that until recently. Whereas my responses usually consisted of mumbling and meandering "uh" and "er" and "maaaybeeeee?" with "I dunno" sprinkled throughout, I can now reply with a succinct: "Yes... but probably not until 2010."

I have my reasons. I'll tell you what they are.
One) I desperately want to end up teaching as a profession. I lack any type of education degree at this point, but I can technically teach at the community college-level with a master's. However, I'd like to go back to either get the PhD I'd planned for back in 2006 or assemble the kind of academic credentials beneficial to becoming an educator. Y'know, like certifications that school officials will look for on your resume before hiring you to instruct America's youth.
Two) Last year I changed jobs twice, which led to an overall feeling of instability for the year as a whole, especially with finances. I'd like to take the next couple of years to stabilize my spending and saving before tackling the task of financing more education.
Three) If things keep going right with my current employer, then I think I'll be in a position of considerable flexibility as far as scheduling goes. That's important b/c I'd like to continue to work full-time when I go back to school--and since full-time can mean 32 hrs instead of 40, it seems that being in good standing with a company will help ensure that they'll be down with changing up my work schedule like that.

Sometimes I really miss school. I'm convinced I'd be such a better student if I went back now compared to the 20-some years I spent being educated before. Institutions of learning are amazing places, and the work-world doesn't have the same feel at all. I don't think I'm cut out for the business world in the long-run. I only like it right now because it's all still fairly new, which means I'm still learning quite a bit.

That's pretty much the extent of it.

Random Confession #8

2008-02-14T13:55:00.001-02:00

In middle school and high school, I listened to the radio show Delilah After Dark. If you're unacquainted with Delilah... well, I don't know what to tell you. But as a result I know most of the soft rock hits of the '70s. She played more than just those songs, but those are the ones I probably wouldn't have heard anywhere else except on her show. And I love them.

Here's to sappy love songs! Happy Valentine's Day!

Random Confession #7

2008-02-01T13:47:00.000-02:00

I like reading kids' books. Not all the time or anything, but I really do enjoy books written for kids. I like the Encyclopedia Brown series quite a bit, and the Lemony Snicket series even more. In fact, I think I'll visit the library tonight and check out a few. (This is kind of a lame confession, I know. I'll try harder next time.)

Random Confession #6

2008-01-31T15:06:00.000-02:00

I absolutely cannot stand taking drug tests. It is one of the most bizarre circumstances I have ever known. *shudder* I mean, c'mon, first I have to pee in the little cup, which is an odd situation. But then--THEN--you want me to bring it out of the bathroom? Where you just set it down on the counter or the desk or whatever flat surface you want?! So it's just sitting there and whoever walks by can just see it?! Pee belongs in only two places that I can think of: 1) inside my body until I get rid of it and 2) in the toilet. That's it. Just those two places.

I hate drug tests.

Old movies good & mediocre

2008-01-24T11:33:00.000-02:00

I have Netflix, and rarely have I ever enjoyed a subscription to something as much as that one. If you glanced at my Netflix queue (I'm not being extra-British, that's what it's referred to), then you would notice a lot of movies classified under the "classics" genre. I don't remember exactly when my enthusiasm for old movies, but I remember exactly what film started it.

Monkey Business starring Cary Grant, Ginger Rogers, and Marilyn Monroe. It instantly became one of my favorite movies DESPITE the fact that it features chimps in clothes. The chimps figure quite prominently in the plot, and they're lab-test animals... another thing I usually wouldn't like. But somehow the slap-stick, increasingly goofy events in this movie delight me. It is, as Will Ferrell as James Lipton might say, "scrumtrulescent."

Anyway, this week I received The Hustler and Funny Face from Netflix. I watched The Hustler (1961, Paul Newman, Jackie Gleason, George C. Scott, Piper Laurie) on Tuesday night. And it. is. fabulous. GREAT storytelling, complex characters, strong performances from the whole cast---it is, top to bottom, one of the best movies I've ever seen. One reason I like watching old movies so much at this point is because the truly great ones still hold up today. The Hustler definitely does.

...and then there's Funny Face. I watched this one last night. It's 1950-something Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn. Musical/dancing, sappy, quirky, colorful extravaganza. Stylish beyond belief, the whole thing is so steeped in its era that not much translates anymore. I liken Funny Face to a 21st century viewer the way Baz Luhrman's Moulin Rouge will look to viewers in fifty years. I didn't really care much for Moulin Rouge, and it shouldn't surprise me that Funny Face didn't capture me either, I guess. To me, the dancing prowess of Fred Astaire ends up being too much of a showy gimmick when they've built a plot/vehicle to simply feature it. I'd rather go to a theater and see a tap-dancing show by performers who know how to engage a live audience than watch people hoofing it up on screen. The singing was something else; the word "drab" comes to mind. At times it seemed like they favored sheer volume over... well, anything.

I should be clear that I admire Audrey Hepburn's acting. I enjoy seeing her in and Roman Holiday and Breakfast at Tiffany's, I mean, she is positively beguiling on film. But in something like this any of her acting skills are wasted because she's swathed in so much gorgeous decoration and the story is so full of holes, lacking substance, it just becomes hard to enjoy any of it. I *do* think she gave a good performance, but it's all over-shadowed. I just don't like movies like this one.

Oh, and one more thing, the scene where Audrey dances in the black turtleneck/black skinny pants/black shoes-no socks outfit, thanks for commercializing that Gap. All I could think of was your ad campaign while I watched it.

And so it shall pass

2008-01-23T15:18:00.000-02:00

I've been thinking, and it's made me a bit mournful and melancholy. A true loss of hope is a sad thing, and that's what has happened to me--I've lost a bit of hope. Trying to pretend that I still believe it's going to happen as I'd hoped is useless. So I'm letting the hope die. And I'm mourning its death. The death I've tried to resist recognizing. I'll write a little poem about it as a eulogy of sorts.

Hope encounters death

Though hope be an anchor
surely steadfast and secure
be it always tethered to
the shore and not some
sandbar that waves will
lap away into the surf.

A sailor claimed by the sea
is hope dashed on rocks
in a storm from my heart
where the thunder in my ears
and the lightning in my eyes
blinded and muted
the wisest replies.

(Y'all didn't know I was such a tortured artist, did you?)

Random Confessions: #5

2007-12-03T10:14:00.000-02:00

I suppose I should confess that many of these are written while I'm at work. And not always on my lunch break. And there's never really a non-busy day at work for me. I think that's enough to tell about that.

It's not Friday

2007-10-11T13:50:00.000-02:00

I really want it to be Friday, but it's just not.

Anyway, I was all set to post a rather lengthy monologue about some recent concerns I have with things at my church, but I've decided not to do that. It just felt wrong to post it before talking to our church elders. So I'm holding off until then, and even after that I'm not sure how much I'll post on here about it. Anything I decide to share will be based on what I learn from this process, and since it's still ongoing I don't have much to report in the way of any conclusions.

In other news, Jessa had a baby!! And not just any baby, but a Hudson Michael "Huddy Buddy" baby! I can't wait to see him. It looks like I'll get to visit the first weekend in November. Hooray for Scottie and Jessa and Hudson! I love them!

Hey, here's something to ponder: have you ever found yourself caught in the middle of two people at odds with one another? The situation has nothing to do with you, but it's awkward anyway because you know both parties pretty well? Because that happens to me all the time.

And not just little things either. No, I'm talking break-ups, cheating in relationships, lawsuits. It's crazy. I always end up knowing both sides of huge feud-worthy situations like that.

Maybe God is training me to be an emissary or consul for the government or something. That'd be crazy, too.

Random Confessions: #4

2007-10-08T13:17:00.000-02:00

I walked into my kitchen one morning, and I saw a dead cockroach on the floor (the fact that I'm telling you this part is incredible because I'm afraid you'll think my house is dirty... which it's not). Anyway, so I saw this dead roach, and I drew a sharp intake of breath, steadied myself (I'm terribly, terribly, irrationally afraid of roaches), and turned to grab a paper towel. I dropped the paper towel on top of it, stepped on the paper towel, heard the crunch and that's when I lost my nerve. I couldn't pick it up. Just couldn't. At that moment, I wished so much that I had a roommate who could've done it. But I don't. So I left a dead roach squashed underneath a paper towel on my kitchen floor all day until I got home that evening and felt brave enough to pick it up. But I swear my house isn't dirty... at least not any worse than that.

Random Confessions: #3

2007-10-03T15:50:00.000-02:00

Sometimes I ring my doorbell when I come home just to make my dog start barking so I can watch his expression change to recognition when I walk in the door.

Random Confessions: #2

2007-09-28T17:09:00.000-02:00

On my way to work, there's an intersection in a residential area that has a left-turn signal. When the car in front of me goes too slow for me to make it through behind them, I run the red light. Even after I've come to a complete stop.

Habit-forming

2007-09-18T16:30:00.000-02:00

I was on the phone with Beth today, and we had the following exchange:

Beth (frustrated): Oh no, I didn't need to come here. I did this out of pure habit!

me: Where are you?

Beth: Walgreen's.

me: ...Walgreen's? You've formed a habit of going to Walgreen's?

It must be the fabulous deal on Chia-Pets.

Random Confessions: #1

2007-09-18T13:46:00.000-02:00

When I take my lunch break at work, I always make sure I clock-in before going to the bathroom. I just don't want to miss the chance of getting paid to do my business.

This post is as overdue as Sam without causing nearly as much discomfort

2007-09-18T13:39:00.000-02:00

So if the title of this post leaves you confused, then you must not be acquainted with Sam, the world's youngest blogger. And quite possibly the sweetest baby I've ever known. More on him in a moment.

It's time for an update of hopefully grand proportions. My lunch break is in full-force, and I'll be typing this while alternately enjoying honey BBQ chicken strips and loathing the soggy potato wedges that came with them. Anyway, I've been at the certified pre-owned job with the tire company for almost 3 months now. It's hard to believe that much time has passed. But I'm glad to report a very busy and satisfying working experience this second time around.

If you've wondered what exactly I do at said tire company, then maybe I can help dispel the mystery for you. I'm what you might call an office maverick. Unless you subscribe to more orthodox job titling, in which case you'd likely say I'm an administrative assistant. Potato, potahto. The point is I cover a variety of tasks from billing work orders (tire & automotive service) to ordering office supplies to handling accounts receivable, personnel files, payroll, etc. Plus some minor computer tech support thrown in, as well. I like the variance of what I get to do day-to-day, but it does become difficult to maintain boundaries when all problems and questions are being thrown my way. I don't mean to overstate my case, but I think I sort of understand how the President's cabinet members feel. They're expected to know just as much as the Pres in most cases yet they don't have the same decision-making power.

I enjoy my job more often than it frustrates me, and that's more than a lot of people can say. I feel glad to have the job I do.

Now about baby Sam. I met him over the weekend, and he is fabulous. Strong, wide-eyed with alert, and just the right amount of cuddly chubbiness--he's a doll. Thanks to Amber and Michael for letting me hang out with your baby boy! Oh, and it was great to see y'all, too. ;-)

In the spirit of updating, I'd like to take the chance to roll out a new feature of my blogging. It'll be a theme that pops up from time to time similar to the Toys 'R Us Kid moments. This one will be "Random Confessions." Don't be alarmed. (You all right, Beth?) I'm not going to cross any lines here. They'll just be random things that I do that you wouldn't know unless I told you. I'd call them "Mundane Confessions," but that wouldn't spark any interest, I don't think.

So look for the first "Random Confession" soon! Great Northern bean!

Sometimes I just don't know...

2007-07-15T17:30:00.000-02:00

what the heck people are doing. I'm sitting outside at the 'bou (Caribou Coffee) near my apartment, and Dooley is laying down next to my chair. We're just chillin' while the weather isn't so unbearable. Then this car pulls into the parking space directly across from where our table faces. The driver opens the door, climbs out, and it's at this point that I even notice him. And for very good reason.

A description:
He's middle-aged, dark hair, sunglasses, casual brown loafers, navy pants, blue plaid shirt--completely unbuttoned, pasty pale chest on full display.

The passenger gets out of the car, too. He's a bit younger than the driver but not much, also wearing sunglasses, short sleeve polo, khaki pants--all buttons fastened. They both just start strolling towards the door, and the driver is unhurriedly buttoning his shirt.

What is going on here? I have no idea. And I don't think I want any clarification honestly.

Hm. Well, anyway. That's the odd moment of the afternoon, I guess.

Here's something to occupy your time if you're interested. Just be aware that it can be very addictive.

That's all, dear friends. I just don't have anything else to report.

Getting older and watching the Real World

2007-07-07T10:59:00.000-02:00

I don't generally give my age much thought. But a couple of things recently reminded me that I am, in fact, getting older.

1) I realized kids born in 1987 are turning 20 this year. They're not teenagers anymore. This seems crazy to me. But if that one doesn't get you, maybe the next one will.

2) Remember Becky from Real World: New York (very first season)? She had cropped brown hair and dated a former cameraman for the show (he quit so he could start a relationship with her). Well, anyway, she's turning 40 tomorrow. Forty. 4-0.

I couldn't believe it when I saw that on IMDB. The only reason I even ended up on her page is because I was trying to remember what year the Real World series even started. It was 1992. That's 15 years ago. On the plus side, this is one of the major TV shows of our generation since it was a forerunner of the reality TV boom. That means anyone who has taken note of this series from its beginnings can trace the arc of its development... or deterioration, I'd say. Those of our generation can be true commentators on the series because we've seen the whole thing!

This is very exciting to me. I guess because in the past I've heard about groundbreaking TV shows that I've seen once or twice or never at all, and it makes me feel left out. But finally I'm getting old enough to have experienced an entire phenomenon from start to finish! (I know, I know--the Real World isn't finished yet, but one can only hope they'll put a stop to it now that it's devoid of any entertainment value... wait, why would that stop them. *sigh*)

Anyway, I feel like this is a milestone. I'm in my mid-twenties now, and I have my first real piece of social history to comment on with authority. I've watched many seasons of the Real World, and I can name most of the cities and cast members from each year. I'm not really an expert on it, but I recognize trends and patterns, especially comparing the first three seasons with the most recent ones.

They don't have people like Kevin (NY), Heather B. (NY), Pedro (San Fran), or Jon (L.A.) anymore. These people represented great diversity of thought, lifestyle, and aspirations. Kevin wanted to be a writer (and he is--in national publications of many kinds). Heather B wanted to be a rapper (I don't think this panned out for her). Pedro was heavily involved in AIDS awareness before he died from the disease. Jon wanted to be a country music star (another one that didn't pan out, I think).

The Real World as a TV show was great in the beginning because the people were always so different from one another. Then you had the chance to watch their interactions and how they dealt with those differences. The show took a turn when they started incorporating a specific task for everyone in the house (Miami, season five). While having a job for everyone on the cast wasn't necessarily a bad idea, it shifted the whole dynamic. Instead of just watching people in their lives, the show became a way of propelling them forward. Living and working with people you've never met before results in a lot of self-examination and usually a lot of changes. If not changes in behavior, then certainly ones dealing with your outlook on life.

The other big shift in the show's identity came when the casting changed. It seems the goal of gathering diverse people slipped into stereotype mode. And also got a facelift. It's not that any of the cast members from any season have been ugly. It just seems they only pick one kind of beauty now. I'd like to compare the average weight of the women from the first three seasons with the women of the last three seasons, that's all. And the stereotype categories have narrowed down to almost one question: would this person be inclined to drunkenness and sexual promiscuity? Casting panels are looking for a resounding "yes" on this one.

And that is not to suggest that everyone on the Real World is a drunk sex fiend. I wouldn't want to pigeonhole so many people into such a small description. What I'm really saying is the Real World producers are looking for as many opportunities to film scenes involving lots of alcohol and sexual activity as possible. This is what they're peddling as entertainment. That's the real shame of the Real World we see today.

Gone are the heated debates about racism (Julie and Kevin, 1st season in NY), the boundaries of sexual assault vs flirting (Chris and Tammy, L.A.), or discussions of pertinent social issues (Pedro's AIDS activism, San Fran). What we have instead are shallow conversations about what bars to go to for the night, past or planned sexual exploits, petty gossip about roommates, etc. It makes me wonder where the adults are because somewhere along the way they either stopped getting picked for the show or stopped auditioning altogether.

Well, that's enough rambling, I suppose. Feels good to put some thoughts out there as opposed to just updates about my life. Hope you're doing well, and comments on all this are welcome, of course.

New job, new life

2007-06-15T19:40:00.000-02:00

Hello there, fair friends! I've got a brand new job!... wait, no, that's not really true. I guess I should say I have a used job... a pre-owned job, if you will (and I certainly wouldn't). I'm going back to the tire company from before. This is the place where Toys 'R Us Kid used to roam free and frolic before his untimely demise. My first real desk job where I was truly underpaid and under-appreciated, but also bored out of my mind most of the time. It was like living in a Dilbert comic strip. And it was awful.

So why am I going back you ask? Well, those days before are not to be re-visited. The tire company is under new management now. I'll be given much more to do (no boredom!), much more pay (no second job!), and more appreciation (THEY pursued ME to come back--awesome!). The do-nothing, phone-talker of a co-worker I had previously was fired the week before my two-week notice was up back in January, so that's another plus.

To top it all off, the timing could not be better either. Labor Ready is seriously about to kill me. The only thing I look forward to there is my last day (June 27th--I might just throw a party). My time at LR has been THE most stressful and pressure-driven position of my life. And I've never felt more alone than the four months I've spent waking up at 4:15am, opening the branch office, and dealing with non-stop demands and harassment the whole morning. I haven't blogged about it because I've been too tired most of the time to really think much beyond keeping life together in general.

The last couple of weeks that hasn't been going so well either. I haven't done laundry, bought groceries, or cleaned my apartment in about that long. Dooley even needs a bath. (More on him in a minute.) I've been eating out all week long, which stresses me out for financial AND health reasons. I haven't had a day off since Memorial Day--18 straight days of work-related activity. It takes a toll.

Dooley has been a bright spot. Sweet, lovable, huggable companion that he is. I know he's definitely helped cheer me up on some really bad days recently. The only drawback is trying not to feel terrible when I have to leave him alone in the apartment--and then resisting the urge to literally take him everywhere with me as a result. I have to keep in mind that he really doesn't belong in some places... no matter how well-behaved I know he'd be.

That's about the extent of an update that I have time for right now. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Drop me a line if you have the time, I'd love to talk--take care!

Time: is it really on our side?

2007-06-05T21:40:00.000-02:00

I was doing some thinking about time yesterday. It seems to me that I often experience what I call "spiritual amnesia" where I'm reminded of a piece of truth that I remember learning before. And my reaction is almost always, "wait, didn't I already know that? how did I forget that???"

So I was pondering this frequent circumstance a bit, and something in John 16 got me thinking about how God is outside of time. (Have you considered God's omnipotence on this level? How he's not constrained by past, present, and future whatsoever? And when you started thinking about it, did you feel your brain start to fold and collapse onto itself?)

With God being outside of time, he just knows things. I mean, he knows. It's not like he's going to know, or he already knew, or he has known for awhile. No, no, no--he. knows. And he knows EVERYthing.

But we mortals? We know in the present maybe a handful of things. And we constantly have to remind ourselves of everything we think we "know" so well. Not just spiritual truth. I'm talking all kinds of stuff. Our phone numbers, birth dates, names--we know these by repetition more than anything else. It's more of a recall system, y'know, like a mental Rolodex of life knowledge.

Y'know how people love to marvel at how awesome the human brain is? Well, what about taking time to marvel at something truly awesome? Like how God freakin' knows everything, always, and never has to "recall" any information. It's just there.

You feel the burn of your mind melting on that one, don't you. Yeah, me too. I'm going to bed.
G'night!

Mama's Day

2007-05-09T16:02:00.000-02:00

Hello, friends! A special thanks to Anna for kicking me into gear on blogging. I confess that I'd sort of forgotten about my blogging fun. So I'm happy to be back in action.

Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday (if you didn't know that, then I pity your mother--don't forget about her). I'm not a mother, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have an awesome Mother's Day this year because MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT! That's right, the one and only Gloria is coming on Friday night and staying through Sunday afternoon. She's traveling by air, which is delightful because we get to spend more hours together instead of so much of the weekend being taken up by travel time. Hooray for airplanes!

The only sad news really is that Dooley will have to wait just a bit longer to make the move from south GA to Raleigh. Ma can't bring him by plane, of course, but hopefully we'll schedule his arrival for soon soon soon. In the meantime, I'll just continue to pine for him when I see dog owners walking their buddies... or when I'm in my kitchen and see his pictures on the fridge... or when people ask if he's here yet. I love my dog. And now that I'm listening to myself go on and on, I'm hoping it in no way relates to why I'm single. Hey, single guys, listen up. See how much attention and love I lavish on my dog? How much MORE could I spend on another PERSON? Huh? Yeah? We could find out, you and I.

Well, then. That's enough of sounding desperate on my blog. In fact, let's just call it a post.
Happy Mother's Day! (it's early, but with my blogging frequency lately it makes sense to say it now.)

Toys 'R Us Kid's Final Moment

2007-04-08T13:33:00.000-02:00

Remember Toys 'R Us Kid from my job at the tire company? Well, I got an update on him recently, and I really think it deserves to be the final TRU Kid moment here on my blog. I say the "final" moment because I doubt I'll ever cross paths with him again. (Unless wishes really do come TRU.)

So apparently not long after my last day two months ago, TRU Kid was fired. Try not to be alarmed. I realize I never came right out and said it, but TRU Kid was not the shiniest apple in the barrel. It's a shock to hear, I know. All the same, I felt that he always worked pretty hard--more than some others in that office at any rate.

Whatever the case, it seems that TRU Kid is now taking legal action against the company for wrongful termination. Yep, he's suing. That, my friends, is the farewell TRU Kid moment. It has to be, you see, because it means he's all grown up now. No longer a Toys 'R Us Kid at all. You wouldn't see a Toys 'R Us Kid taking on a corporation in court, would you? Of course not.

So it's only fair to bid goodbye to the Kid and acknowledge him by his adult name:
Goodbye, Toys 'R Us Kid.

Hello... Don.

As I close this post, I ask that you observe a moment of silence as the torch passes.

Look at me being so quick and stuff

2007-04-04T20:16:00.000-02:00

So it hasn't even been a week since I last blogged! Aren't we all so proud of me.

I have a correction to report from my previous post: I didn't end up in Greensboro at all. Turned out that it was too dangerous. I'm not even joking. My manager had to go Saturday to help drive temporary workers to their jobs at some big race that weekend, and he found out first-hand what kind of hardcore thugs they've got. He's usually VERY adept at handling workers with bad or threatening attitudes... but things were much worse than he'd ever experienced. So he made the decision that sending me up there would be akin to throwing me to the wolves. I gladly agreed to stay put in Raleigh.

As for the dog-owning venture, I'm getting more excited about it all of the time. I've already dreamed about Dooley being here; I couldn't sleep the other night from thinking of all the places I can take him; and I rearranged some furniture to accommodate his bed, toys, and food & water dishes. Yeah. I'm a little eager.

In church-related news, I'm the new deacon of prayer at Vintage21 (have I mentioned this before?... perhaps), and my first step is to configure a team of "do-er deacons." It'll be 3-4 people who can take on the active roles of "doing" prayer ministry. Please join me in praying that God will show me plans for this ministry area. I've brainstormed a bit about how to set it up. Tell me what you think.

I'd like to take the 3-4 people and divide up the days of the week between them. All days except Sunday, that is. So if the team is three people strong, then they'll each have two days of the week. Then whenever prayer requests are passed to me, I'll contact whoever is "on call" for that day and let them know about it. I figure this is a good way of hopefully giving each "do-er deacon" a variety of requests versus setting it up topically (ie, one deacon prays for health needs, one for relationships, one for finances, etc.)

Also I'd like to see each "do-er deacon" coordinate a prayer time for their two days of the week. I haven't decided if two days is too much or not. Maybe each team member will just be responsible for one day of the week. Anyway, it would mean opening up the Vintage21 building for an hour of scheduled prayer time, which includes bringing a prayer request list of ongoing needs, welcoming people who show up, and making sure to lock the building when it's over. Right now I'm responsible for the Thursday afternoon and Saturday morning prayer times. I'd like to see the "do-er deacons" take over these and/or create times that work for them.

So that's the sketched out plan I have in mind for now. I'm still praying and seeking guidance in how to put it together. Mostly I just want to see God's people seeking Him through prayer. So much spiritual growth depends on the practice of communicating with God openly and earnestly. If you have any suggestions or thoughts, please leave your comments or email me. Muchas gracias, muchachos!

Hello out there!

2007-03-31T17:40:00.000-02:00

I've really got to stop these "it's been so long since I've blogged" posts. And the only way to do that is to blog more often. I'm really gonna try to do better.

For this post, I'd like to give you an idea of why I haven't posted much as of late. Sort of self-defense, if you will (and I wouldn't, but that's just me).

Anyway, for one thing, I go to bed between 8:30 and 9pm pretty much every night. On the rare occasions that I stay up later than that, I'm usually quite brain-dead and should really be sleeping. So my evenings at a coffeeshop with free wi-fi don't extend much into the night anymore. Why have I adopted such a granny-like bedtime? Glad you asked. It's because I get up at 4:15 each morning so I can be at work by 5:15--our office opens at 5:30am Monday-Friday.

It's true that this is much earlier than I would like to rise and attempt to shine. But I can't complain all that much really because my workday ends by 2:30pm every day if not earlier. (Although I think that's going to change to a standard 2:30pm end-of-shift time because I was told I HAVE to take a lunch now instead of working through what would be my lunch break and then just leaving for the day around 12:30 or one o'clock... corporate rules are lame that way.)

So how do I spend all of those hours between 2ish and 8:30ish? Well, it's a variety of things. Sometimes I have grocery shopping to do or I grab some downtime writing in my journal. A couple of weeks ago afternoons became prime napping time, but that was on the heels of working over the weekend.

The point is that in order to blog more often I'll have to be more intentional with those afternoon hours and trying to spend at least part of that time online somewhere. I think I'd like to make a routine for the afternoon where I go to the gym/use the internet in the afternoons before going home to cook dinner. I've only been to the gym twice in the last two weeks. Better than nothing, but I really want to make it a 3 or 4 day a week habit. We'll see; I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news, I'm getting a dog for my birthday! This is VERY exciting for me. I've been thinking a lot recently about having a dog. In my area of town, lots and lots of people are out walking their doggies most afternoons/early evenings. I've been feeling like I'm missing out and wishing I had a buddy of my own.

So my Mama told me today when I talked to her that she'd let me have our family dog Dooley up here in NC. We're planning to make the transition around my birthday, I think. I'm really glad about the whole idea because I love love LOVE Dooley. And he's quite taken with me, too. Please pray that Mama and Dools would handle the transition well. It helps that Mama has a new puppy, but Dooley just turned 8 years old, so I hope he adjusts okay. He's a super precious pup.

That's about it. Work is going well. I'll be in Greensboro this Tuesday and Wednesday helping out the branch there because their manager is gone for now. If you could pray that my travelling would go well and that I'd get along with the folks there (current employees and workers alike), I'd really appreciate it. Update me if I haven't talked to you in a while! I'd love to hear from any and all.

Happy Palm Sunday tomorrow!

Super Saturday!

2007-03-10T14:23:00.000-02:00

Hi, all! It's a super Saturday! Partly because of the weather--a lovely 70 degrees and sunny. Partly because I'm just working through some personal things instead of denying/ignoring them. That's always a plus. But I also have great people in my life to share Saturday with right this very second. In a way it's sad that I'm blogging rather than talking to them. (They have names, might as well share those: Hannah, Rachel, and Jenn.) But it's also nice to all have things to do (everyone is occupied right now) and be OK with that.

So that's kinda the short version. Maybe I'll have more time later today to continue. If not, have a beautiful weekend! Love to you all!

Dysfunction junction

2007-03-06T16:25:00.000-02:00

Hey, friends. I've got something to tell you about that is going on with me right now. (I kept adding words to that sentence so it wouldn't end with a preposition, by the way--I do that sometimes. I was gonna end at "about" then "on," but I just can't do it except on very rare occasions--special circumstances that only make sense to me, I think.)

ANYway, here we go.

So a few of you may know about my family's dysfunction, and some more than others. I'm not going to post the details here out of respect and love for my family members, but if you'd like to know specifics, just ask. Hopefully what I'm going to say will make sense regardless of how much or how little you already know.

For as many years as I've been following God in life I've prayed about the ongoing struggles in my family. Sometimes I've let it slip from my focus, while other times it has consumed me. But throughout this time what HAS been consistent is my belief and trust that God is in charge of transforming us (that is, all of humanity--with my mother, father, brother, and myself certainly included).

As recently as yesterday it seems that prayers over this are starting to be answered in really tangible ways. A lot of the issues center on my Dad. Not to say that the rest of the family won't be involved in the changes that will result, but so much of it is going to have to start with my Dad.

Please pray for this whole situation. A good family friend is stepping in to be a strong spiritual counselor for Daddy and the rest of us. I talked with him (the family friend) last night for about half an hour--God seems to have given him great insight into the situation. Thankfully, he's known my Dad since they were in elementary school, and I can't imagine a better candidate for getting my Dad to listen and see the need for changes. But it won't be easy even with all of that in our corner. The real ace in the hole is that we have family members other than me who have faith in God. That makes me pretty optimistic. But I still think this is the beginning of a long haul.

So if I talk to you, feel free to check in on this deal. I'm sure I'll need plenty of support and encouragement throughout all of it.

Thanks for already caring--your reading shows you care what I have to say, and I appreciate it.

An old man pedestrian

2007-02-28T18:10:00.000-02:00

The following is a true story.

I was driving home from work this afternoon down a back street with lots of cars parked against the curb. As I crested a small hill, I saw an older man crossing the street at a rather leisurely pace. No, no--he was downright slow. And walking diagonally in the middle of the street--not at a crosswalk or intersection or anything like that. Seeing him ahead of me, I tapped on the brakes. I realized he wasn't even looking in my direction even though he was diagonally headed towards me, that is, his diagonal path was slanted towards oncoming traffic. (I hope this is making sense...) To alert him of my presence, I did the quick double-honk, y'know, the friendly one. The honk that communicates, "hey, watch out there" or maybe "move along, you're in the way." This man looked up, saw me, and moved no faster than before. I continued to brake enough that I wouldn't hit him. I did not come close to side-swiping him or anything like that.

But as I passed by he was yelling something at me. I didn't know what because I had music playing and all. Still, I was very curious as to what message he was sending.

So I slammed on brakes, threw the car in "park," and jumped out. "What was that?" I yelled angrily at him.

He turned, "I said, 'ya got brakes, don'tcha?!'"

(Me in my head: What kind of moron IS this guy?)

Me out loud: "You know what sidewalks and crosswalks are don'tcha?"

Him: "There aren't any crosswalks around here!" (For the record, that is incorrect--that road has crosswalks at each intersection.)

Me: "Why don't you just get out of the way when cars are coming!"

And then I got back in my car and drove away. Later I wondered what in the world had gotten into the both of us.

It's a new thing called... "blogging"

2007-02-24T23:01:00.000-02:00

Or maybe it's "blogging" with a long O sound. I'm not really sure, but it's supposed to be great.

So here I am. Back in action on the blog. I suppose there's lots to report after so many days have passed. Let's see if I can cover what's most noteworthy.

The new job is going well. What I do is sort of a mixed bag from day to day. I go in at 5:30am for the morning dispatch routine. This means that I look at the work tickets that are ordered for the day according to time/distance (e.g., a job half an hour away that starts at 8am will be in line before a 7am job only 10 minutes away). Tickets ideally go out about one hour before their start time. The worker sign-in sheet is very key because it lets us know which folks are "drivers" (have cars with them). To dispatch properly means matching up non-drivers with a driver according to how many are needed on the ticket and how many people a driver can fit in their vehicle.

Once a ticket is filled with the right combination of workers, I sign off on it with the current time of dispatch and my initials, fill out any necessary equipment/service vouchers (usually for safety equipment like hard hats or van transportation or whatever else), and make sure it's all attached to the pink copy of the ticket. Then the names of the workers being dispatched are highlighted in yellow on the sign-in sheet, and we move on to the next ticket to be filled.

Each morning an average of, say, 45-50 workers are dispatched. Some workers repeat the same job everyday, but the majority don't. So, to use a sport analogy, it's like fielding a new team every game... where the sport changes each day. Like, Monday might be baseball, followed by basketball on Tuesday, then swimming for Wednesday, and so on. And as a dispatcher I've gotta coach them all. It's actually very fun BECAUSE it's challenging.

I feel like I've caught on to it quickly mostly by taking my manager's advice to talk to the workers. Asking simple, proactive questions to gain the information I need moves things along smoothly most of the time. The most common snags are just not having enough drivers or enough workers, period. You could have ten tickets waiting on the counter requiring a total of 35 workers, but you're looking at a rag-tag group of 12 sitting in the lobby with no drivers among them. That's when you start watching the door for new arrivals. Or start making calls to let reliable drivers know that there's plenty of work, and they should come on down and sign in to get on it.

That's the nuts and bolts of dispatching. The send-out times usually don't go past 9 or 10am, so it slows down around then. Various paper-pushing starts after dispatch is complete. Sending important numbers/reports to the district manager, completing applications for new hires, follwing up on sales leads, taking orders by phone--these take up the rest of the morning and early afternoon hours. Somewhere between 10:30 and noon I'll take a one- or two-hour lunch (depending on my # of hours for the week, which can't go over 40--hence taking longer lunches to offset it later in the week) before leaving at 2:30pm.

All in all, I enjoy everything I've been doing so far. I've made some mistakes, but I'm trying really hard to let each one be a learning experience I won't end up repeating.

In non-work news, I love my church. If you know anything about my life these days at all, this is not news to you. If you're thinking, "hey! I know about your life, I just didn't know that part" then you are wrong... and now you are right because you read the sentence before this one. So, yeah, my church. Love it.

Also I joined a gym on Monday. Here's to making a habit of going. I'm paying $25/month in hopes that investing a bit of money will prompt me to do just that. It's a nice gym, and quite a few of my friends at church are members, too. Maybe I can find a workout buddy or two among them.

Uh-oh. This coffeeshop is closing. Gotta cut this short. Love to all, thanks for reading/caring about my life. :-)

10-minute drill

2007-02-07T16:24:00.000-02:00

I've got ten minutes of free internet left here. The post will be short as a result.

Update time.
Started my new job. It's with a company called Labor Ready. So there you go. I'm a CSR, which stands for Customer Service Representative. It means I do lots of stuff. More details when I have time. For now just know that I'm enjoying the challenge of learning lots of new procedures and tasks. Everything seems to have at least three steps to it, which is fun. I'm one of the few weirdos in the world that doesn't mind tedium and long processes like that. Also my freakish memory has come in handy many a time already, and people seemed to be impressed by it. All the better.

In church news, my Vintage21 family is still looking for a new house (translation: the building we meet in is increasingly small; we've added a 4th Sunday service; and the new building process is still churning its way to a decision). If you wanna pray, we'll take it: reliance on God for provisions of everything, wisdom for our elders in deciding things, and trust from owners and attendees that the elders are relying on God.

And finally: I'm pregnant.

Haha. No. Not at all. But lots of my friends are. (The Baby Bonanza, remember?) Congratulations to Adam and Amanda on the birth of their baby boy named Causey yesterday! Let's hear it for God bringing yet another precious little kid into the world--hip hip hooray!

That's all. Time is about to run out, and I've got to travel to my tutoring gig.
Love to all!

Entire screen demonstration

2007-01-30T12:34:00.000-02:00

To access certain blogs at work, I utilize the AltaVista Bablefish translation page. I type in the webpage address, choose "Chinese simp to English" (simple Chinese to English), and then click "translate." Easy and quick.

But sometimes the page layouts look quite different after translation. The differences jump out at me, but are also easy to overlook because I can often picture what the page looks like other times I've seen it.

Well, I told you all of that to tell you about this. On blogger profile pages, some people upload a picture. I was looking at a translated version of one today, and I saw the message "entire screen demonstration" below the picture. And I thought, now wait, what does that usually say?

The answer: "view full page."

You click on that bit of text to view someone's profile picture on a full page. But what a great translation that is, no? Entire screen demonstration. That's awesome.

Feeling better... just bored

2007-01-29T10:40:00.000-02:00

So I'm not as freaked out at work as I was last Friday. That was a day I'd never re-live. (Except for the chicken and black bean soup I had for dinner that night compliments of Beth. Yummy beyond words.)

Right now, it's Monday. And we all know Mondays suck. First I woke up at 6:55am. I have to leave my apartment by 7:15am to be on time. I looked at the time on my cell phone and literally said, "What?!" out loud in exasperation and disbelief.

Luckily, I already knew what I wanted to wear--a remix of what I wore to church yesterday. (Different pants, socks, and shoes. The shirt I... um, well, I kinda did wear it all day, but... let's just move on.) Plus I had half of a Jimmy John's sandwich leftover from lunch, so that saved time getting me out the door this morning. I made it to work by 7:30am on the dot.

When I started this post I was a bit bored, but now some new work orders have arrived in my basket. So I'm gonna go take care of those. Maybe if I go slowly I'll be busy until time for lunch...

I'm about to snap

2007-01-26T11:29:00.000-02:00

If you're reading this, please pray for me. For my sanity. So that I won't snap on the next person that makes things more difficult than they have to be.

I hate my job. I hate it. Next Wednesday is my last day, and so far I've considered walking out twice today. What I thought was just a bad place to work has turned into a madhouse. I'm not the most patient person to begin with, but now if someone takes the wrong tone with me on the phone I'm seething in two seconds. I don't want to have that kind of reaction. I don't want to blame the stress of the situation because I'd rather feel like I have more control of myself than that. Then when I get snappy back to whoever it is, the guilt drags me down big time.

I was just now sitting at my desk wanting to cry. And then leave. Just walk out the door screaming that I can't take it anymore, jump in my car, and tear out of the parking lot. And never ever ever come back again.

But then I think, why can't I just work the full two-week notice? Am I so weak that I can't take it for just a few more days? It's Friday right now, a little before lunch. Surely I can stick it out to the end of the day, use the weekend to regroup, and then hang on through Wednesday, right?

I refuse to let myself just give up, but God knows that's what I'd rather do. So, please, pray for me.

Let it...

2007-01-18T12:16:00.000-02:00

... SNOW!

There's snow in Raleigh today. Wheeeeee! It kept me from work until 10:30 this morning. Not that the roads were that bad, we were just on a delay. At least that's what I was told at 7 o'clock this morning. Then I didn't hear anything until my co-worker called and asked if I was going to work. I said, "I don't know. They haven't called." She said I should call them.

Really?

Someone who knows about these things, please tell me--is the burden of responsibility on me to find out when the delay is over? I definitely thought otherwise. And I'm not saying I didn't want to stay home and snuggle--I absolutely did. But c'mon. Really?

The real deal

2007-01-17T14:17:00.000-02:00

OK, so some of you may remember this post in which I was very cloak-and-dagger, hush-hush, esoterically vague, and such. Well, here's the reason why.

I gave my two-week notice at work today. My last day will be Jan. 31. Since I check my blog at work, I didn't want to let the news slip before I was ready to make it known to my manager (who is now treating me nicer than ever before--what up, dude? I already told you there's nothing you could do to make me stay). This has been in the works since early December. Some of you already know the story. Allow me to give a rundown of events for those who don't.

So I had an interview one Monday in early December with a company I really wanted to work for. The initial interview went well; I still very much wanted the job; and a follow-up meeting was scheduled for Thursday of that week at 6:30am. It was scheduled so early because I was going to observe the morning/opening procedures. I sent an email the day before to follow-up with the manager there, and then went about my workday followed by tutoring later that evening.

Well, the next part is a little difficult to explain even for me. Somewhere between the rest of the day and that night... I forgot about the follow-up meeting the next morning.

Now I know you might be groaning in disbelief right now. I definitely found it hard to believe that I'd done something like that. And while I have done some really dumb things in my life, this one trumps most of them.

To cut this into a short story, this botched interview was for the same job I will be starting on February 5th. Yep, you read that right. After committing the worst mistake possible in job interviewing, I got the job a month or so later. Who says God can't do the impossible? Who says???

How did this happen, you ask? Well, first of all, it started with multiple phone calls (the first: a very profuse apology; the others: just messages asking for a callback) before I was called in for a second chance at that follow-up observation on January 3 at 5:30am.

This time I set my alarm to go off at 4:30am, requested a call from my mom at 5am, and set out the clothes I wanted to wear the night before (to save time the next morning--just in case). I made it there before the manager, enjoyed seeing how things operated, and a 2nd follow-up (this one to observe closing procedures) was scheduled for the next day. All of that led to being formally offered the position of Customer Service Rep at the Raleigh branch of Labor Ready, which happens to be next door to my church (Vintage21) AND where a couple of fellow Vintage21'ers already work.

It took some patience and perseverance, but I'm really excited to be moving on from "wheelin' and dealin'" in the tire business. Please pray for my transition into a new work environment. Also, in other prayer request news, Vintage21 is looking to move into a new building. We're challenged by a seeming lack of funds that will require a lot of sacrificial living among our very young community (ie, lots of 20- and 30-somethings without a lot of financial equity built up in life). If you'd like to contribute or just hear more about it, I'll be glad to share details. Every prayer is appreciated as we move toward a decision.

Happy MLK Day

2007-01-15T14:36:00.000-02:00

Take some time to consider the work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. that helped rid our country of strongholds of barbaric discrimination. Follow that with some reflection on how oppression still persists and what can be done to solve it. Finally, think of a time you've been affected by discrimination--either seeing it or being discriminated against--and ask forgiveness for your sin or forgive the sin of others in that situation. May God bless your efforts with honesty and insight.

Words from William Cowper

2007-01-15T13:17:00.000-02:00

"Immediately I received the strength to believe it, and the full beams of the Sun of Righteousness shone upon me. I saw the sufficiency of the atonement He had made, my pardon sealed in His blood, and all the fullness and completeness of His justification. In a moment I believed, and received the gospel... My eyes filled with tears, and my voice choked with transport; I could only look up to heaven in silent fear, overwhelmed with love and wonder."

William Cowper said this sometime during April or May of 1764 while institutionalized at St. Albans Insane Asylum. His understanding of the gospel came while reading the Bible in the garden of St. Albans. I just really appreciated his expression of coming to know God's love.

Hat Trick!

2007-01-10T14:20:00.000-02:00

So I don't know how many of you out there know about this, but John Piper's website (www.desirginggod.org) features some original poetry by him. It's all narrative poetry that he's written for services at Bethlehem Bapt. during advent seasons since 1982. I've read several up to this point, and I can definitely recommend the ones about Hosea & Gomer, John Mark (Pt. 1--only one I've read), and tributes to his wife for their anniversaries celebrating 20, 25, 30, and 35 years together. But, after reading through so many, I'm pretty sure no matter which one(s) you choose, you won't be disappointed.

That is all. And that's enough.

Toys 'R Us Kid: Moment #489

2007-01-10T13:11:00.000-02:00

Uhhhh... this one is kind of creepy, I'm not gonna lie. And considering the moments earlier in the day (see the post before this one), you'll no doubt understand why the creepiness saddens me a bit.

TRU Kid complimented my co-worker Sarah's hair this way:

"I really like your hair like that."

Sarah paused silently just looking at him (it's not something one expects to hear from TRU Kid, so I don't really blame her) Then she says, "Like what? You mean up in a ponytail?"

"Yeah! You can see your eyes and all. I just like hair pulled up and y'know--oh and french braid is my favorite! I loooooove french braid"--(this is where the creepiness starts)--"I love it. French braid is the best." (Sarah is looking increasingly uncomfortable at this point while I start laughing nervously blushing bright red. Things got creepier after that.) "Y'know, all of my girlfriends and fiancees have been tall with dark hair and when they did their hair in a french braid--oh man! that's when they had me. I was like a puppy. French braid is the best, I love it--mm!"

And then it was finally over. I'm still recovering from this, and I'll give you time to do the same.

Toys 'R Us Kid: Moment #483

2007-01-10T11:27:00.000-02:00

TRU Kid is back on the scene here. Well, he never really went away, but he served up some delightful moments today that I have time to share.

This morning before many people had come to work yet, TRU Kid arrived to unlock the office as I sat waiting in my car in the parking lot (reading chapter 4 of the gospel of John, I'll have you know--you won't see me wasting opportunities to earn spiritual points... grace shmrace, it's all about works, right?)

ANYway, I went in and started my daily routine of getting my email open and opening all of the various software windows I'll need to use throughout the day. TRU Kid, meanwhile, came in to make copies or something, and he commented on my attire for the day. (I'm wearing a dress, tights, heels, and a sweater--total teacher outfit and an unusual departure from my jeans-and-a-shirt choice.)

TRU Kid: "You're all dressed up--gotta hot date?"

Me (musing over the idea of being dressed for a date at 7:20am, the beginning of the workday): "No, Sarah told me yesterday that somebody important from higher up in the company was visiting today and that we should dress up some."

TRU Kid: "Who's coming?"

Me: "I don't remember exactly. Maybe his last name is... Rupert? I'm not sure. You know I'm just the 'office girl'--I don't know about these things really."

TRU Kid (taken aback): "You're not just an 'office girl'!"

Me: "Sure I am. If I'm not an 'office girl' then I'm not anything. So I'm an office girl."

TRU Kid (unconvinced): "No, you're not."

Me: "Then what am I?"

TRU Kid: "You're a... you're a--a breath of fresh air."

Can you beat that? That's what he said! Awww, TRU Kid, you are pretty great yourself.

Later this morning as TRU Kid was getting ready to head out of the office for awhile, he stopped to shake my hand and say,
"Good seeing you. Come back again real soon... and next time bring food."

Ciao for now, TRU Kid. You're always welcome around my desk.

Something random this way comes...

2007-01-09T15:39:00.000-02:00

Oh, bloggity-blog blog blog. I enjoy it, but I wish I had more time to really post on here.

So I had breakfast from the BK Lounge this morning (chicken croissan'wich, hash rounds, and a Coke), and then Bojangle's for lunch (4-piece chicken Supremes dinner with fries and sweet tea). The result? I feel like grease is oozing from my pores.

I've noticed that when I eat healthy foods for awhile going back to fast food and all of its fried greasiness grosses me out a little. And I can't say that I enjoyed either meal today.

I made a chicken pot pie Sunday night. Semi-homemade to make Sandra Lee on the Food Network really proud of me. Alas, I did not accompany the meal with a cocktail of any kind, so ol' boozy Sandra wouldn't have completely approved. But I was pleased with my accomplishment. Next time I'm gonna add more seasoning to the veggies though since the filling was a little too bland. But the crust--mmm, so yummy.

I had the great luck of catching up with my friend Manders (Amanda to most) last night on the phone. She was scheduled to take some kind of certification test today for her financial planning job. AND I found out she's a ghost-reader of my blog here. So hi, Manders! Hope you aced your test!

In other news, the creator of Scooby-Doo (and lots of quality cartooning work) died. I was reading his obituary online today and found out that Scooby was based on kind of the antithesis of a well-bred Great Dane--the guy took the desirable Great Dane traits and reversed them when drawing Scooby. Small chin became large, straight back and legs became humped and bowed. I thought it was kind of interesting. I sure wouldn't have guessed Scooby was a Great Dane--and why would anyone have thought so, y'know?

I hope to have more to post by Friday. Stay tuned. (Linds--my apologies, I hope to email you from my gmail account later today.)

It's been a long time, I shouldn't 'a left you...

2007-01-04T12:40:00.000-02:00

...without a dope beat to step to--step to, ss-step to, step to. (go ahead, sing a bit--I'll wait.)

OK, yes. A new blog post. Considering my last post before this, I hope you weren't concerned for my well-being since I'm completely fine and have been the entire time. Such an esoteric message could have led you to believe otherwise, so my apologies for any unnecessary stress you went through.

For those who gave no thought to my well-being, thanks for nothing, schmuck. Some friend you are.

(I keed, I keed.)

Anyway, that's really all for now. I know it's not much of anything, but I promise more will come soon. I just need some time for a few things to develop before I go posting half-truths and maybe-nots. So hang on for a little while longer, Sometime Insomniac-ers. (ooo, you just got dubbed!)

Ramma-lamma-ding-dong. I'm out.

I think they're onto me

2006-12-12T15:47:00.000-02:00

Every time I find a way to access my email at work, the dreaded SurfControl eventually catches up to me. Today I lost the portal that had sustained me for a couple of weeks. I'll keep fighting. If you have suggestions, let me know.

Toys 'R Us Kid Moment #214

2006-12-12T15:08:00.000-02:00

My co-worker saw Toys 'R Us Kid walking by and said, "Hey, you've got something blue on the back of your shirt."

Sure enough, there was some kind of blue smudge on his charcoal gray shirt. (Kids are forever getting stuff on their clothes, aren't they?)

Without missing a beat, TRU Kid said, "Oh, it's probably toothpaste."

...um,

on your back?

That was yesterday. Then today, instead of coming through and thanking me, TRU Kid saluted me. He SALUTED me. I'm talking: stood at attention, clicked his heels, and saluted. He didn't say a word. But did he really need to?

No. No, of course not.

How to cope with being cold

2006-12-08T15:08:00.000-02:00

Go here to read an entertaining bit of Gmail chatting between my friend Beth and I. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Toys 'R Us Kid Moment #192

2006-12-08T14:58:00.000-02:00

This post will actually contain more than one Toys 'R Us Kid moment, but honestly I'm not really counting. I just guesstimate the numbers I attach to the posts based on how many times per day the Toys 'R Us Kid does something especially fun. (If you don't know who the "Toys 'R Us Kid" is, then acquaint yourself with this post. And this one.)

Anyway, so the Toys 'R Us Kid is a pretty constant source of entertainment. Examples you shall need, so examples you shall have.

My desk is in a very high-traffic place in the office. More often than not when the Toys 'R Us Kid walks through, he says, "Thank you, thank you very much" in some kind of attempt at an Elvis impersonation. He's not saying it to anyone in particular--just saying it. Other times he says, "Thank you, Whitney. Thank you for just being here." Neither of these expressions of thanks expects a reply. He's just... being the Toys 'R Us Kid. It's comical.

The Toys 'R Us Kid also really likes to share food. Yesterday he ventured out of his office down the hall to make some copies. While he waited at the copy machine, he turned and told us, "Y'know, I bought some pre-sliced apples. And I just opened them. They're already sliced, y'know, so they'll go bad quickly. And I know I can't eat them all myself. So if you find yourself hankering for some green apple slices, help yourself to some. They're just in a bag on my desk."

...Thanks, Toys 'R Us Kid. Thanks just for being here.

This one is for Matthew

2006-12-06T14:49:00.000-02:00

I've seen some bad spelling in my day, but this attempt at "Raleigh" caught me off guard:

Raigliegh

Now if that's not just throwing down a bunch of letters you think are in the word, then I don't know what is.

Why will God love you?

2006-12-01T09:45:00.000-02:00

I got one of those "pass it on" emails today with a plethora of patriotic and quasi-religious sentiments about praying for troops and worshiping the American flag and stuff like that. It made the usual plea about how if you agree you'll pass it on, but if you delete it you'll prove that you don't love U.S. troops or God or, I don't know, babies and puppies and cute things everywhere--you know the type of message.

But I scrolled down to the end and saw this: "God will love ya for helping to spread his word!"

I had quite a reaction to that. For all of the debating I've heard over faith vs. works in following Christ, this is such a blatant tactic to do something to earn God's love. And the thing is that the point of that particular email wasn't even about "God's word" at all. There was no gospel message--I don't even think I saw any scripture. It was very much a message constructed around socially acceptable, semi-spiritual phrases with references to God and prayer. How crude. What a terrible concluding statement for an email of this ilk.

The title of this post is a question that I think anyone who hears the true gospel of Christ ends up pondering. Theology will get you to an answer: grace. And then you've got to wrestle with the meaning of grace.

But it's sure not works. That much is clear. So God loves you. Scripture leaves it simply at that, as far as I can tell. You can either accept it or spend time fighting it because human logic can't explain it.

That's all I've got. If you're reading this, what're your thoughts?